Even though I could host a more productive meeting by inviting a bunch of homeless guys to my house for a stinky fart contest, the Copenhagen Climate Summit continues to take itself seriously.
Political will will never be stronger, said Connie Hedegaard, the president of the conference. This is our chance if we miss this one, it could take years before we get a new and better one, if we ever did. - Politico
I think what Connie is really saying is that no one cares anymore, and they all know it. UN climate chief Yvo de Boer followed Hedegaard with a formal statement of his well-known position:
The time for formal statements is over. The time for restating well-known positions is past,
Then the New York Post issued the most dire warning of all. It would suck a lot more to live in one of the worlds 60 smallest countries than to attend Copenhagen in the style of its guests.
"Some 40,000 tons of carbon will be spewed getting this crowd together and keeping them in comfort.
That is the amount of carbon dioxide produced by more than 60 of the worldīs smaller countries in an entire year -- combined. - NY Post
Meanwhile, the man that would have been the Commander and Chief of the most powerful military in the history of the universe, donned a beret and penned a 21 line poem about himself:
Since the Earthīs temperature is cooling, the environmentalist agencyīs have been caught fudging data and the majority of the U.S. population doesnīt give a fat crap about any of it, the United Nations is trying a new tactic to put an evil face on exhaling carbon dioxide.
"The effects of climate change have driven women in communities in coastal areas in poor countries like the Philippines into dangerous work, and sometimes even the flesh trade, a United Nations official said."GMANews
Global warming is now responsible for an increase in fun prostitution. I assume this revelation is a new tact intended to convince the moral right that they actually should care. Next up, global warming is responsible for your sisterīs herpes and Deadwood getting canceled from HBO before itīs time. Two tragedies indeed, but I can only be blamed for one of them.
NOTE: Anytime I can honestly tag an article with both "United Nations" and "Hookers" I feel like the worldīs smartest man. You would too.
I donīt know how many global citizens are represented by their countryīs membership in the United Nations, but letīs assume itīs a lot. A tragic home invasion in Kabul left five U.N. staff members dead, and as a result the U.N. is re-evaluating their entire mission in the region.
Traumatized U.N. staff in Afghanistan were under orders to stay home Thursday, one day after Taliban militants stormed a guest house in the capital and killed eight people in a brazen attack that is forcing the world body to re-evaluate its mission in the war-ravaged nation.
[UN Spokesman] "our work continues, and in terms of the elections, preparations are already well advanced. But the impact this will have needs to be evaluated over the coming days, and itīs too early to make any judgments." - MSNBC
Sorry entire country of Afghanistan. You may or may not be having a democratic election now or in the future, because some guys dressed up as bible characters killed five English speaking people, and thatīs enough to buckle the resolve of a consortium of 192 nations. Itīs also a bit surprising to a bunch of limp dicks like the UN that a war zone filled with religious lunatics can be this dangerous. Itīs almost like the Taliban either hasnīt read, or chooses to ignore the Geneva Convention. We donīt have a strategy to account for behavior like this. Good luck with everything and please continue to pay your dues to keep the U.N. strong.
Since heīs never been mentioned in Penthouse Forum I have no idea who Radovan Karadzic is, but apparently like everyone else, heīs a lot smarter than the United Nations.
"U.N. judges adjourned the long-awaited war-crimes trial of Radovan Karadzic on Monday after the former Bosnian Serb leader refused to appear on the opening day.
Karadzic faces 11 counts of genocide, war crimes and crimes against humanity against Bosnian Muslims, Bosnian Croats and other non-Serbian civilians during the brutal and bloody dissolution of Yugoslavia in the 1990s. Bosnia and Herzegovina was a part of Yugoslavia at the time." - CNN
Iīve tried the "just donīt show up for your court date" defense before, and it didnīt pan out as well as it has for Karadzic. Proof positive that itīs legally safer to commit widespread genocide than it is to detonate massive quantities of illegal fireworks in celebration of Bristol Palinīs breakup.
Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan, aka Eugene Walcott, aka calypso singer "The Charmer", claims that the Swine Flu vaccine is a secret plot to wipe out as many people as possible.
Nation of Islam leader Minister Louis Farrakhan told an audience in Memphis he believes the H1N1 flu vaccine was developed to kill people, a witness said.
"The Earth canīt take 6.5 billion people. We just canīt feed that many. So what are you going to do? Kill as many as you can. We have to develop a science that kills them and makes it look as though they died from some disease," Farrakhan said, adding that many wise people wonīt take the vaccine. - UPI
Louis has had some credibility issues in the past. Like the time he watched himself get carried up to a UFO, or the time he claimed the flooding from hurricane Katrina was a conspiracy, or the time he was censured from speaking in the Senate for heaping praise on Hitler, or the time he invented the Five-Thirds law in an attempt to count 400,000 African Americans as 1,000,000 in the Million Man March.
Other than those limited discretions, Iīm guessing that 100% of witch doctors and other people that call themselves doctors but kind of arenīt chiropractors fully embrace Farrakhanīs vaccine theory.
It has yet to be confirmed that Al Gore, the U.N. and Nancy Pelosi are having a secret summit with Farrakhan to pitch their argument to him: "Most Everyone Will Die, Is That So Bad?".
The UN has about as much influence on our planet as the Jedi Council. Yes, THE Jedi Council. You know, the council that replaced the Galactic Alliance High Council on the planet Coruscant as a more authoritative body around the time of the Star Wars. Kind of like exactly like the U.N. replaced the League of Nations after the Earth Wars. I love you George Lucas.
Iīd like to present the following as news, because that would make me a member of the media. But this is more like watching the circus tent burn down. Here we go...
Canada celebrated both their national bar mitzvah, and their testicles dropping from a position above the pelvis into the national scrotum, as their delegates went for a smoke break instead of listening to Iran discourse on the most effective ways to annoy Jews.
"Canada will boycott Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejads speech at the United Nations on Wednesday, saying his outbursts about the Holocaust and Israel are shameful. - The Ottawa Citizen
Dictators past and present praised Obama and claimed his policies qualify him to join their club as leader-for-life. What a shock that the biggest dirtbags on the scene are also Obamaīs biggest fans.
The former Cuban leader on Wednesday called the American presidentīs speech at the United Nations "brave" - Fidel Castro Associated Press
"When [Gadhafi] suggested Obama should stay on as U.S. leader indefinitely there was scattered applause." - MSNBC
