The media has mostly moved past the coverage of earthquake relief in Haiti, which must mean itīs not trendy anymore. Unfortunately tragic stories are going unheard and help isnīt getting to those who need it most.
The Haitian high priest of voodoo says Christians are hoarding all the relief supplies.
"The evangelicals are in control and they take everything for themselves," he claimed. "They have the advantage that they control the airport where everything is stuck. They take everything they get to their own people and thatīs a shame." - Max BeauvoirNews Pics Videos
The real shame is that the high priest of the voodoo church wonīt conjur up a spell against the Christians to correct this injustice. Oh I forgot, "it" doesnīt work like that. "It" never works like that. Which is why "it" is totally useless. Bet you wish you had all them sacrificial chickens and goats back eh Max?
Below is a video documentary that shatters the myths of voodoo as depicted by Hollywood.
Festivus is the holiday allowing those of us that aren`t lumped in with Christians, Jews and whoever wants to kill them both, to celebrate too.
I`m actually a day late in celebrating, but I bunkered myself in my bedroom the Dirtbag Jungle Command Center all day yesterday. Tonight I`m attending a seasonal party with Catholics and Arabs, so there`s a strong chance my celebration will be worth the wait.
The two cornerstones of Festivus are "Airing of Grievances" and "Feats of Strength". The Feats of Strengths should be a cakewalk this year, because all that`s required for it to be a success is a wrestling match, whereby the party host is pinned by a party attendee. The party hosts this year are an 80 year old Alzheimer patient and her 105 pound daughter. They`ve never celebrated Festivus, so a flurry of hammer drops to the neck should be totally unexpected. I`m focusing my preparations on the Airing of Grievances ritual.
My first grievance is that my roommate has adopted a neighbor dog that is now sleeping in our house. My roommate is always talking trash about how the dog doesn`t protect the house well enough, and how he habitually tries to bite his arm off in psychotic episodes. But when he thinks I`m not looking, he cooks entire meals for the dog and mumbles disgusting sweet nothings. I eat off the same plates that the dog does these days.
My roommate also has a new passion: playing a tribal goat skin drum. In the morning. And he tried to kill me the other day by asking me to remove a Brazilian Wandering Spider from his tub. He said the spider was already dead so it was no big deal. It wasn`t dead. And neither was the spider`s pissed-off mate
My second grievance is that the IRS drained one of my accounts a few weeks ago for no reason other than I apparently owed them money and didn`t respond to their massive campaign of written threats. Mostly it upsets me because the pride that comes with avoiding income tax only works until your bank hands over a stack of cash on your behalf. So I feel like a chump, but I`m able to air grievances to all my ex-pat mates, because I`m funding the next Senatorial cluster fuck and they aren`t. Free loaders!
My third grievance is that a once trusted female friend has been forcing me to go to the local Brazilian beaches every Saturday and Sunday. Since my experiences at the beach don`t include sessions of multi-player Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2, I must insist that she take full responsibility for my enjoyment. Given my northern European complexion and the tropical intensity of a summer sun, that means a thorough application of albino grade sunblock.
The last two times she has massively fucked up said application, to the point where I have blistering red tiger stripe patterns across my face, arms, torso and legs. She smirks when denying any sort of plan to disfigure me so that other females are repulsed by my otherwise magnificent body. She also says that it probably doesn`t even hurt and that I`m being dramatic. Which means that when I get cooked on Saturday, I`m still obliged to go again on Sunday.
There are dozens of other grievances I intend to air tonight, I just don`t know what they are yet. But I`m fully expecting someone to: touch my food without wearing a new pair of sanitary gloves, deny all requests to show my newly pirated copy of Avatar during dinner, frown on any attempts of drinking myself into a drooling stupor, or express disappointment in my reluctance to engage in any level of small talk.
Hitler Youth Member Pope Benedict XVI is listening to the heretics scientists and has called out to mankind to do what he and God canīt seem to do on their own.
"Sad to say, it is all too evident that large numbers of people in different countries and areas of our planet are experiencing increased hardship because of the negligence or refusal of many others to exercise responsible stewardship over the environment," he said. - Reuters
Hey Pope-dude, Iīll stop adding to my awesome CFC styrofoam cup Egyptian pyramid replica as soon as you loosen up on that birth control policy. Iīm told that population control is the key to environmental stewardship. Or you could just ask God to fix the planet and help the people experiencing increased hardships with all your cash. Whicheverīs easier for you.
If gay marriage violates the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman, doesnīt it stand to reason that divorce is just as threatening to traditional marriage? John Marcotte thinks so, and is getting signatures to put a divorce ban on the ballot in California.
"Since California has decided to protect traditional marriage, I think it would be hypocritical of us not to sacrifice some of our own rights to protect traditional marriage even more," the 38-year-old married father of two said.
Marcotte, who is Catholic and voted against Proposition 8, views himself as an accidental activist. A registered Democrat, he led a "ban divorce" rally recently at the state Capitol in Sacramento to launch his effort and was pleasantly surprised at the turnout. About 50 people showed up, some holding signs that read, "You too can vote to take away civil rights from someone." - Seattle Times
He has dozens of signatures. Kudos. I could get dozens of signatures supporting the recreational drowning of puppies. I donīt care who marries who. Itīs a bullshit government relationship endorsement program anyway. But Marcotte is dicking up my whole deal. If women continue to insist on getting married, us men need an option for when we sober up.
This reminds me of the comments surrounding Tiger Woods recent escapades. "Why would a bilionaire get married in the first place? They could have a different woman every night!". Excellent point. Now, use that same logic and ask yourself why a NON-billionaire would get married and youīll find yourself explaining your own misery. You canīt consistently get laid otherwise. Well, you canīt consistently get laid when youīre married either. What can I tell you, society doesnīt want you to be happy.
Also in the article: The Catholic church disallows divorce but supports annulments. Maybe the priests will change their position when the government allows them gays to marry and they find out that their husband has eyes for a protestant.
Ok ok, Muslim is a peaceful religion. Except the parts that mandate killing Christians and Jews. A true Muslim or Christian accepts the literal word of their faith as unwavering law. Remember that when God is mentioned below, they mean the God promising virgins. Not the other God unleashing plagues and wiping out non-believers with a flood.
"Fight those who believe not in God nor the last day, nor hold that forbidden which hath been forbidden by God and His Apostle, nor acknowledge the religion of truth, (even if they are) of the people of the Book [Christians and Jews], until they pay the jizya [tribute] with willing submission, and feel themselves subdued. The Jews call Uzair [Ezra] a son of God, and the Christians call Christ the Son of God ... Godīs curse be on them." - Sura 9:29-31
Good times. Or this one...
"The punishment of those who wage war against God and His Apostle, and strive with might and main for mischief through the land is execution, or crucifixion, or the cutting off of hands and feet from opposite sides, or exile from the land." - Sura 5:36-38
Such peaceful, loving passages of understanding. Iīm surprised Hallmark hasnīt bought the copyright to the Koran. If I quoted the Koran, or the Old Testament, at the airport Iīd never catch my flight. I may however make friends with a latex covered finger.
And a note to Christians. A holier-than-thou approach to the Koran will compel me to document the calls to arms in the Bible. Just sayin, everyone chill.
I know a LOT of religious people read the dirtbagchronicles.com. You are going to be momentarily offended by me. Get past it and listen.
If I was a Muslim I wouldnīt trust Christians any more than Christians trust Muslims. Thatīs because any organized religion that embraces an exclusive path to an afterlife is always dangerous to every other religion.
Fort Hood killer Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan shouted īAllahu Akbarī before mowing down unsuspecting soldiers, and that makes him no more, or less, of a total fucking dirtbag. It just builds on the stereotype that Muslims donīt like non-Muslims and are eager to supplement their march to heaven with staggering violence. So I donīt like them now. Iīm the kind of guy that doesnīt feel bad about projecting the actions of a few onto their entire group. Iīm just lucky in that regard.
"Soldiers who witnessed the rampage reported that the gunman shouted "Allahu Akbar!" an Arabic phrase for "God is great!" before opening fire, said Lt. Gen. Robert Cone, the base commander." - AP
Marketing a religion is hard work. You have to convince millions of rubes that an all powerful, yet totally absent, God needs you (yes you!) to contribute money and commit senseless acts to further his cause. Then you need the public relations horsepower to spin the actions of a shit head like Hasan into a recruiting tool. Christians canīt take the moral high ground on this either, your religion is based on a horribly fucked up history of violence and persecution.
When Christians work on converting me (it happens almost as often as gays try to convert me) the conversation usually goes like this:
"Godīs love for you is infinity and beyond. His is the way of pure peace." - Them
"More people have been killed in the name of [insert the name of their God here] than by Hitler." - Me
"I feel sorry for you. God hates you, and you will burn in hell for infinity and beyond." - Them
In God We Trust. And Iīm only taking half doses of my medicine lately.
