Finance is a complicated thing, and I´m not the best person to explain it. But there´s some questionable financial claims coming from Washington DC as blizzards keep federal employees out of the office.
"...the lost productivity of more than 230,000 idle federal employees. Official Washington was shut down for a third straight snow day -- unprecedented in recent times.
Office of Personnel Management chief John Berry, who decides when to close the federal government, has said each snow day costs taxpayers an estimated $100 million in work government employees don´t do." - NPV
So we are "losing" $100 million every day the government employees are away from their desks. Away from their desks. Where they would otherwise spend $30 billion per day.
Let it snow!
You might not have understood the point I just made. My level of financial genius often causes people to miss my arguments entirely. Like the time I met with my loan officer in an attempt to arrange high finance.
Note: I always employ an accent in the proper Queen´s English when I meet with bankers because it makes me seem even smarter than they are.
Dirtbag: I´m richer than God.
Banker: Actually your numbers indicate that you don´t have any wealth at all.
Dirtbag: Now see here sirrah, I ask that you bear witness to the financial power seated before you!
Banker: ...In fact, it says you are severely in arrears at a variety of unsavory gentlemans clubs...
Dirtbag: My good man, if you can´t recognize my liquidity and vast wealth I´ll be forced to move my overdraft business to another institution forthwith!
It´s been awhile since he ignited tons of jet fuel and vaporized a city worth of people and infrastructure into the atmosphere just to watch the flash and giggle at the screams, so Osama Bin Laden has had time to polish up his geo political campaign.
In his most recent State Of The Goat Herders speech, the Director calls on the world to wage jihad on climate change by boycotting American products and the use of the dollar as a currency.
This is a message to the whole world about those responsible for climate change and its repercussions - whether intentionally or unintentionally - and about the action we must take," bin Laden said.News-Pics-Videos
The extreme liberals are giving Bin Laden an enthusiastic Hip Hip Hoozah! for sharing their Death To Big Business and ecological philosophy while the extreme conservatives plaud Osama for his stance on gay rights, gambling, intoxicants and fornication. I guess that makes Osama Bin Laden a moderate.
So the point of the Copenhagen Climate Summit was to steal your money and control your behavior save the planet from warming weather.
As of Thursday, it was expected that instead of a new agreement, the two years of work leading up to Copenhagen would produce a mere extension of the Kyoto treaty. The Kyoto Treaty aims to prevent a global temperature increase of .007 degrees by 2050 at a cost of about $726 billion. At that rate of success, Kyoto could have lowered the temperature by 1 degree for only a $100 trillion.
But alas, such success is too modest a goal. The leaders of dirt countries in Africa and beyond hoped that if there was a more substantive agreement (like one where they got more free money) they could manage to grow one carrot per hectare. Instead, the leaders of the world that converged on Copenhagen inked these new terms:
1. Agreement on how to monitor carbon emission.
2. Don´t do anything with item #1.
Source: NPV
"It´s weak. There´s nothing ambitious in this text," said Lumumba Di-Aping of Sudan, a leader of the developing nations bloc.
Obama may eventually become known as "the man who killed Copenhagen," said Greenpeace U.S. Executive Director Phil Radford.
In fairness to Barack, he had to rush home from the global warming summit to beat the biggest blizzard to hit D.C. since 2003. A tip of my new Kangol hat to you Barack. You did nothing, as usual, but this time it was appropriate.
Hitler Youth Member Pope Benedict XVI is listening to the heretics scientists and has called out to mankind to do what he and God can´t seem to do on their own.
"Sad to say, it is all too evident that large numbers of people in different countries and areas of our planet are experiencing increased hardship because of the negligence or refusal of many others to exercise responsible stewardship over the environment," he said. - Reuters
Hey Pope-dude, I´ll stop adding to my awesome CFC styrofoam cup Egyptian pyramid replica as soon as you loosen up on that birth control policy. I´m told that population control is the key to environmental stewardship. Or you could just ask God to fix the planet and help the people experiencing increased hardships with all your cash. Whichever´s easier for you.
The fine young gentleman in the photo above first struck me as a frugal protester. He recycled last week`s banner for the gay parade for this week`s demonstration at the climate summit. Maybe he`s Jewish like Adam Lambert, I just don`t know.
But someone once told me "I believe the children are our are future. Teach them well and let them lead the way." That someone was crack whore Whitney Houston. Crack whores sometimes say inspiring things, so I listen. I hear. What if the youngster in the image is making a bigger point? When it comes to climate change: be gay to lead the way.
Sure, gay people dance around far more than they need to, which increases their CO2 exhalations, but they don`t reproduce like you breeders do. They are literally the fruit at the end of the family tree. We can all agree that a world without future generations is a world without man made global warming.
China claims dominance in population control, which may be why they removed removed their "gay hooliganism" law in 1997 and made the progressive leap in 2001 to stop defining gayness as a mental disorder. They are thinking long term.
It can no longer be considered a coincidence that the political party preaching global warming is also the party supporting gay rights. There is a plan people. You may not fit into that plan, but this thing is bigger than all of us. With any luck, the entire global population in 2100 will consist of two happy men that have hoarded everything that sparkles, two bitter women that beat the men`s ass at bowling and the gay pride that comes along with saving a planet by eliminating it`s inhabitants.
Then again, Whitney Houston also said Learning to love yourself, It is the greatest love of all. So if you just want to stop having sex and masturbate, that`s cool too. But you WILL go blind.
John F. Kerry is a swell guy. He´s also real clever with words. Like the time he forbid you from driving an SUV. He would never drive an SUV. The SUV in his garage isn´t his, its "the family SUV".
"The senator EXPECTS to travel commercially as he has to past climate conferences,” the aide said, adding that the details of Kerry’s travel arrangement were CONTINGENT upon the Senate’s schedule."
Oh bravo senator! You travel commercial flights to all the climate conferences. I must have missed mention of the Gulfstream used for your other 150 flights a year.
Here´s the part where he promotes his website and asks you to give him money.
"That´s why I´ll be launching TruthFightsBack.com to fight back against the lies from Big Oil and other forces of the status quo,” the announcement says right before a link that can be clicked to make a donation. “And I need your help. They are already putting millions of dollars behind the distortions; we need to do all we can to give the truth a fighting chance." - CNS
John Kerry´s net worth is $163 million, so if I were you I wouldn´t give him a Canadian nickel. Unless of course you married some old hag that´s richer than John´s wife, and you need to relieve some of your guilt. In which case, the ´Buy A Brutha A Beer´ link is just to the right over there.
I´d like to take a stand and boycott the Heinz brand that his wife owns, but their damn stuff is way better than Del Monte.
China has the most people (1.3 billion) and produces more pollution than any other country on the planet. But they have a solution! Be more like us!
"Population and climate change are intertwined but the population issue has remained a blind spot when countries discuss ways to mitigate climate change and slow down global warming, according to Zhao Baige, vice-minister of National Population and Family Planning Commission of China (NPFPC).
"Dealing with climate change is not simply an issue of CO2 emission reduction but a comprehensive challenge involving political, economic, social, cultural and ecological issues, and the population concern fits right into the picture," said Zhao, who is a member of the Chinese government delegation." - Chinese Daily
Just a note. The Chinese method of population control is called forced abortions and female infanticide. That means killing off female babies up to the moment that they take their first breath. And apparently even that isn´t stopping their population, so what do they have in mind for us besides lead painted toys?
In China´s defense, I stayed at the Holiday Inn near Doumen China, and their breakfast buffet was off the hook.
Scientists don`t have the foggiest idea how many species there are, but some claim to know how many are missing. It`s thought that about 99.9% of all species that have lived on Earth at some point are now extinct. What is the leading cause of extinction above all others by leaps and bounds? Ice ages. In other words, global warming is the friend of life.
Meanwhile back at the ranch, I`ve composed my top ten list of species I`m most eager to see extinct on land, sea and air.
10) Skunks: If you have dogs, and skunks live nearby, you suffer. My Jack Russell got into it with skunks on a regular basis, got nose and ear infections which ultimately led to him getting run over by my ex-wife. In the skunks defense though, my other two dogs also got run over by my ex-wife.
9) Africanized Killer Bees: Great invention. They swarm at the drop of the hat if they smell you breathing. I can`t walk any forested trail without flinching like the Viet Cong is out there.
8) Candiru Fish: These fish have a reputation for detecting urine streams and following them up to, and into, the source. A world without penis penetrating fish is a world I want to live in.
7) Polar Bears: They`re big, they`ll eat your ass alive, and with cap and trade you`ll personally be subsidizing each individual bear with a good chunk of your income. When we get into a cooling phase they`ll be wandering the suburbs eating your young.
6) Fleas and Ticks: It`s hard to pinpoint the ecological value of parasites, but it`s easy to identify with the creepiness factor of waking up with a critter embedded in your skin, engorged with your blood.
5) The Cataret Tribe: I`m actually calling for the extinction of any tribe that demands funding to be saved from any perceived sea level change, permafrost melt or other climate maladies that have been happening for the past 4 billion years. Pick up your reindeer hide tent and move it over there.
4) Man Eating Sharks: Cool in the zoo, not cool at the beach. Yeah I know, they don`t like the taste of humans. But I`m not a big fan of the method they employ to make that determination.
3) Mosquitoes: More blood suckers, but these ones have a damn pilots license. Mark me down as being opposed to any form of blood sucking, with the added bonus of disease transmission.
2) House Cats: Yeah that`s right, you heard me.
1) Brazilian Wandering Spider: The spider most responsible for deaths doesn`t just kill. It`s venom causes massively exaggerated erections that do permanent damage to the equipment. I see one in my house about once a week. So I live in constant torment of dying with a projection in my pants that looks like I`m holding a pizza.
I probably won`t care, but the other people reading this might. So go ahead and post your extinction wish list.
Depending on the situation and thanks to my big brain, I´m practically a doctor, a lawyer, a scientist and damn near everything else my parents hoped I would become.
"The Environmental Protection Agency declared today that carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases are harmful to people and the environment.
The EPA now has unilateral authority to act, including setting new carbon emissions standards for power plants, factories and cars, even if Congress fails to pass a climate bill." - ABC
I just want to put on my almost scientist hat for a moment and paint a picture for the EPA. Without green house gases the planet Earth (where most of you live) would have the same climate as the moon. But lets assume I´m wrong about that. Without carbon dioxide every plant on the planet would die and there wouldn´t be any oxygen. Either way, what has become clear is that Obama´s EPA is hell bent on killing us all via asphyxiation, cryogenic freezing or worse, excessive taxation.
Note: I´d like to point out that every time you see a picture of horrible pollution like the one above from ABC News, it´s actually steam. Not toxic poison. Toxic poison doesn´t show up well on film.
Note 2: Yes smarty pants I already know that water is one of the most effective greenhouse gases, which means that the EPA has declared it toxic too. But given the frozen earth scenario I posed, all Earth´s water would be ice. Which isn´t a gas. So I want a free pass on that one.
Even though I could host a more productive meeting by inviting a bunch of homeless guys to my house for a stinky fart contest, the Copenhagen Climate Summit continues to take itself seriously.
“Political will will never be stronger,” said Connie Hedegaard, the president of the conference. “This is our chance — if we miss this one, it could take years before we get a new and better one, if we ever did.” - Politico
I think what Connie is really saying is that no one cares anymore, and they all know it. UN climate chief Yvo de Boer followed Hedegaard with a formal statement of his well-known position:
“The time for formal statements is over. The time for restating well-known positions is past,”
Then the New York Post issued the most dire warning of all. It would suck a lot more to live in one of the worlds 60 smallest countries than to attend Copenhagen in the style of its guests.
"Some 40,000 tons of carbon will be spewed getting this crowd together and keeping them in comfort.
That is the amount of carbon dioxide produced by more than 60 of the world´s smaller countries in an entire year -- combined. - NY Post
Meanwhile, the man that would have been the Commander and Chief of the most powerful military in the history of the universe, donned a beret and penned a 21 line poem about himself:
All of us are capable of change. I´m ready to jump on board the global warming bandwagon, fuel up Tiger Woods´ private jet and head to Copenhagen for some symbolic gestures supported by virtually no personal follow through. And some good old fashion free hooker sex.
"Copenhagen prostitutes are up in arms, saying that the council has no business meddling in their affairs. They have now offered free sex to anyone who can produce one of the offending postcards and their COP15 identity card, according to the Web site avisen.dk." - Der Spiegel
When women have sex for money they´re called prostitutes. When women have sex for free they´re called...hmmm...uh...I guess no word exists for that. Apparently it´s a scenario that´s never happened in the history of the world.
Do you realize how hard it is to write clever observations like this while a smoking hot woman is looking over my shoulder? It´s called being a man with a woman that doesn´t understand English.
Just this morning I had a man-made-climate-change Xanax attack because it´s December and it´s 85 degrees outside. Then someone slapped me and said "Hey asshole, you´re in the southern hemisphere. It´s summer here."
I said "Well yeah, BUT STILL!!!"
The White House insists that any reason to institute new taxes climate change is upon us.
"I don´t think that´s anything that is, quite frankly, among most people, in dispute anymore," he said during Monday´s press briefing." Robert Gibbs - The Hill
Yeah it´s man made climate change alright! We read "the man´s" emails last week! Even if most people do believe in climate change (they don´t), could it be because the scientists whose stipends depend on the fad, produce data that perpetuates the claims? I can argue man made global warming seven ways to Sunday. But I lose fans when math is involved, so I won´t.
Just this morning I had a man made climate Xanax attack because it´s December and it´s 85 degrees outside. Then someone slapped me and said "hey asshole, you´re in the southern hemisphere. It´s summer here."
The White House insists that any reason to institute new taxes climate change is upon us.
"I don´t think that´s anything that is, quite frankly, among most people, in dispute anymore," he said during Monday´s press briefing." - The Hill
Yeah it´s man made climate change alright! We read "the man´s" emails last week! Even if most people do believe in climate change (they don´t), could it be because the scientists whose stipends depend on the fad, produce data that perpetuates the claims? I can argue man made global warming seven ways to Sunday. But I lose fans when math is involved, so I won´t.
The White House insists that any reason to institute new taxes climate change is upon us.
"I don´t think that´s anything that is, quite frankly, among most people, in dispute anymore," he said during Monday´s press briefing." - The Hill
Even if most people do believe in climate change (they don´t), could it be because the scientists whose stipends depend on the fad produce data that perpetuates the claims? I can argue man made global warming seven ways to Sunday. But I lose fans when math is involved, so I won´t.
Since the Earth´s temperature is cooling, the environmentalist agency´s have been caught fudging data and the majority of the U.S. population doesn´t give a fat crap about any of it, the United Nations is trying a new tactic to put an evil face on exhaling carbon dioxide.
"The effects of climate change have driven women in communities in coastal areas in poor countries like the Philippines into dangerous work, and sometimes even the flesh trade, a United Nations official said."GMANews
Global warming is now responsible for an increase in fun prostitution. I assume this revelation is a new tact intended to convince the moral right that they actually should care. Next up, global warming is responsible for your sister´s herpes and Deadwood getting canceled from HBO before it´s time. Two tragedies indeed, but I can only be blamed for one of them.
NOTE: Anytime I can honestly tag an article with both "United Nations" and "Hookers" I feel like the world´s smartest man. You would too.
Barack Obama has announced that a climate deal probably won´t happen this year. A climate deal would require that everyone goes the extra mile to reduce unnecessary use of fossil fuels and electricity however they can and since man made global warming is the biggest scam since the Catholics invented Indulgences not everyone is ready to make that leap.
Barack hopes that in place of a climate deal, his actions set an example to everyman that change is possible, and a brighter future comes from a greener today. He reduced the size of his motorcade to only 71 cars.
The election results are way to complicated for my pea brain to keep track of. Besides, no matter who´s elected in your district you´ll still be fucked. As soon as you realize that and stop caring, you´ll be a degenerate tax cheat like me happier person. But I did notice that Ohio´s getting casinos and it made me think...
It is the fifth gambling proposal Ohio voters have seen in 20 years. They roundly rejected the others. Ohio would become the 39th state to legalize casinos if the measure were approved and would join neighboring casino states Indiana, Michigan, Pennsylvania and West Virginia.
Elizabeth Groen, 56, voting in the Cincinnati suburb of Anderson Township Tuesday morning, supports casinos.
"They are going everywhere else," Groen said. "It´s time that Ohio gets on board." - AP
Gambling, prostitution, drugs and carbon emission. The degree to which they are a moral outrage is inversely proportionate to the rate at which they are taxed. We´re all going to heaven now!
The focus groups that the assholes that make money from cap and trade, green products and those that just want to control your life with guilt environmentally concerned use to judge the impact of their efforts indicate that team green may have been going a tad overboard lately.
Exaggerated and inaccurate claims about the threat from global warming risk undermining efforts to cut greenhouse gas emissions and contain climate change, senior scientists have told The Times.
Environmental lobbyists, politicians, researchers and journalists who distort climate science to support an agenda erode public understanding and play into the hands of sceptics, according to experts including a former government chief scientist. - The Times
I´m feeling too melancholy to go through the whole "make a neat post" exercise...you get what you get.
"Global warming will leave the Arctic Ocean ice-free during the summer within 20 years, raising sea levels and harming wildlife such as seals and polar bears, a leading British polar scientist said on Thursday.
Peter Wadhams, professor of ocean physics at the University of Cambridge, said much of the melting will take place within a decade, although the winter ice will stay for hundreds of years." - Foxnews
Point One: Is the earth getting warmer?
Point Two: If so, is it manmade?
Point Three: We are in the Holocene era, one of the calmest periods of weather in Earth´s history. This isn´t normal.
Point Four: In the 4.5 billion years that our planet has been here, polar ice caps are exceptionally rare.
Point Five: Al Gore says the world will end in 2016 anyway, so a ten year ice forecast is moot.
In an attempt to reduce greenhouse gases, All Nippon Airlines is asking that you make a potty before you get on the plane.
"A Japanese airline has started asking passengers to go to the toilet before boarding in a bid to reduce carbon emissions.
Based on an average human bladder capacity of 15oz, if 150 passengers relieved themselves on board an aircraft, this would amount to 63.7kg of waste." - UK Daily Mail
All Nippon neglected to calculate the potential weight savings if all passengers were asked to fart, spit, trim their nails, clean their ears, pick their nose (without eating it!), pop their zits and ejaculate (twice) before boarding the plane. I´m going to conduct a before-and-after weight experiment and send them my findings. If this is my last posting, it means my destiny has been realized and I´ve been hired as a body function consultant.
I´m in an unusually pissy mood today because I wasted all my time recovering the site instead of showering the world with my awesome sun beams of wit. Some little punk in Russia attacked our server in apparent retaliation to this or this posting. I am THIS CLOSE to boycotting Russian Vodka until after dinner.
In any case, the Al Gore congregation that believes Al´s sermon about the world ending in 2016 (unless we all start consuming as much energy as Al Gore does on his planes and mansions less energy) have new validation from the Governor of Tokyo.
´Global warming is getting worse. We have to come up with measures without which Olympic Games could not last long.´
´It could be that the 2016 Games are the last Olympics in the history of mankind,´ Ishihara told reporters at a Tokyo 2016 press event ahead of the vote." - Tokyo Governor Reuters
Like Reverend Gore, Ishihara is offering both doom and salvation in the same breath. He says that if the Olympics are held in Tokyo, they will be a model for sustainable energy and recycling. He offers no guarantee for the planet´s future if another city is selected.
Maybe I´m an idiot. Ok, I AM an idiot. But there is one thing I know. If I turn off my computer monitor while porn is downloading, my electric bill is smaller. I´d pay even less for electricity if I turned off the sound while I watched, but let´s be reasonable. Apparently the government thinks there are some bigger idiots than me, because we (you and me) need to be taught a lesson in economics.
"Dr. Chu said he didn’t think average folks had the know-how or will to change their behavior enough to reduce greenhouse-gas emissions.
“The American public…just like your teenage kids, aren’t acting in a way that they should act” - U.S. Energy Secretary WSJ
Doctor, here´s a free lesson for you. In a democracy, when the people don´t have the will to change behavior, it isn´t the government´s responsibility to change it for them.
Whenever the government says you don´t have the know-how, its time to bend over, lube up and grab hold of something solid, because the "instructional" tax is coming. But rest assured, Chu says Americans don´t have the stomach to protest his ideas as much as they protested his boss´s health care ideas.
This was a cooler than average summer, there haven`t been any good hurricanes lately, and recent polls rank global warming as slightly less concerning to people than getting the cracks in their sidewalks filled.
So if you`re one of the ego maniacs that gets their rocks off telling other people what to do to prevent global warming, what can you do to compensate? Recruit the biggest names in music to record a global warming song! Or at least the biggest names in music from 25 years ago, and some other people no one has heard of.
Duran Duran and Scorpion headline an otherwise unknown group of "celebrities" that are singing a song to raise awareness. - AFP
Good luck with all that guys. I can`t wait to hear your excuses about how you have to fly private jets to the session because commercial airlines frown on cocaine use in the cabin.
This buttwad has gotten rich(er) by hexing panty wringing nitwits around the world with his guilt trip sermons for years. But now the manmade global warming marketing team is branding their gospel as climate change because, it´s like, not getting any warmer.
Now 30,000 scientists are suing this jackass for fraud to bring the discussion to a public forum. I´d like to think that Reverend Gore is just an idiot that believes what his researchers tell him, but the reality is the Church of Green is big business for him.
In other news, Al Gore produces CO2 every time he exhales. But he doesn´t blame himself.
