Now the Muslims will REALLY like America. Thanks for making the world a safer place Obama.
"President Obama recently named Amanda Simpson to be a Senior Technical Advisor to the Commerce Department." - NPV
A-Man-Duh(!) used to be a man. (S)he is the first transgender White House appointee in history. Janet Reno is said to be consulting lawyers about the accuracy of that claim.
Preface - Yesterday I took a picture to accompany this posting, but it offended even me. So you have to use your imagination. Also, I have a condition called aquagenic pruritus that sucks for two reasons. First, any change in temperature or dampness on my skin can cause intensely prickly itching. Second, everyone thinks itīs all in my head. Remember that for later.
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Faithful readers will remember from the Dirtbag Festivus posting, that the hottest piece of ass willing to put up with my charms insists we hit the beach on the weekends. She has dark skin, large breasts and a narrow tush. Bitch!
The tropical island I live on is famous for no less than 42 beaches, many of which Iīve never been too. But letīs be honest, a beach is a beach and I typically have more fun sitting on the toilet passing half chewed walnut shells than I do in the sand. However, the once-trusted woman of whom Iīm speaking, promised that if I visited Galheta beach with her, I would see things Iīve never seen before and have unexpected fun.
We had to walk about a mile next to the warm surf to get to Galheta beach. We passed a gay bar on the sand, where potential Dirtbag rapists were spilling out of the rafters to the point where there was hardly room to pass between them and the ocean. Two lesbians in thongs were making out, and that was neat-o. Immediately thereafter we saw a sign announcing that we had arrived at Galheta beach. It was a bit of a surprise for me to see the "Clothing Optional" sign.
Iīm not going to put two and two together for you here, but letīs just say I find it interesting how often nude, gay men at the beach find reason to bend over and rustle their hands around their backpack every time I walk by.
After an ocean swim at Galheta and thanks to my Aquagenic Pruritus, I got a monumental episode of the itchies on my perfect apple-shaped butt. I knew the quickest cure would be to take off my trunks and air dry. I have never been faced with such a difficult dilemma, nor come up with such a liberating solution. A solution to a problem that no one believe exists.
The fine young gentleman in the photo above first struck me as a frugal protester. He recycled last week`s banner for the gay parade for this week`s demonstration at the climate summit. Maybe he`s Jewish like Adam Lambert, I just don`t know.
But someone once told me "I believe the children are our are future. Teach them well and let them lead the way." That someone was crack whore Whitney Houston. Crack whores sometimes say inspiring things, so I listen. I hear. What if the youngster in the image is making a bigger point? When it comes to climate change: be gay to lead the way.
Sure, gay people dance around far more than they need to, which increases their CO2 exhalations, but they don`t reproduce like you breeders do. They are literally the fruit at the end of the family tree. We can all agree that a world without future generations is a world without man made global warming.
China claims dominance in population control, which may be why they removed removed their "gay hooliganism" law in 1997 and made the progressive leap in 2001 to stop defining gayness as a mental disorder. They are thinking long term.
It can no longer be considered a coincidence that the political party preaching global warming is also the party supporting gay rights. There is a plan people. You may not fit into that plan, but this thing is bigger than all of us. With any luck, the entire global population in 2100 will consist of two happy men that have hoarded everything that sparkles, two bitter women that beat the men`s ass at bowling and the gay pride that comes along with saving a planet by eliminating it`s inhabitants.
Then again, Whitney Houston also said Learning to love yourself, It is the greatest love of all. So if you just want to stop having sex and masturbate, that`s cool too. But you WILL go blind.
If gay marriage violates the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman, doesnīt it stand to reason that divorce is just as threatening to traditional marriage? John Marcotte thinks so, and is getting signatures to put a divorce ban on the ballot in California.
"Since California has decided to protect traditional marriage, I think it would be hypocritical of us not to sacrifice some of our own rights to protect traditional marriage even more," the 38-year-old married father of two said.
Marcotte, who is Catholic and voted against Proposition 8, views himself as an accidental activist. A registered Democrat, he led a "ban divorce" rally recently at the state Capitol in Sacramento to launch his effort and was pleasantly surprised at the turnout. About 50 people showed up, some holding signs that read, "You too can vote to take away civil rights from someone." - Seattle Times
He has dozens of signatures. Kudos. I could get dozens of signatures supporting the recreational drowning of puppies. I donīt care who marries who. Itīs a bullshit government relationship endorsement program anyway. But Marcotte is dicking up my whole deal. If women continue to insist on getting married, us men need an option for when we sober up.
This reminds me of the comments surrounding Tiger Woods recent escapades. "Why would a bilionaire get married in the first place? They could have a different woman every night!". Excellent point. Now, use that same logic and ask yourself why a NON-billionaire would get married and youīll find yourself explaining your own misery. You canīt consistently get laid otherwise. Well, you canīt consistently get laid when youīre married either. What can I tell you, society doesnīt want you to be happy.
Also in the article: The Catholic church disallows divorce but supports annulments. Maybe the priests will change their position when the government allows them gays to marry and they find out that their husband has eyes for a protestant.
As a rule, I strive to keep my gayness capped at 49%. It permits me to get my hair highlighted, poke fun at Chaz Bono without being branded a bigot and say super duper by replacing the "s" with "th". I always smell scrum-dilly-icious. Fact is, Iīve always said that Iīm totally gay. Iīm just not attracted to men.
But dear God, Iīve listened to John Mayer for 24 hours straight and I fear somethingīs about to give.
Note: Dear mom, I know you are reading this. If you see anything with sequins listed on my Christmas list, and I say its for a friend, it isnīt. And I need you to love me like you always have. Because you always knew didnīt you.
I donīt know why this is big news, but the world is buzz buzz buzzing like a magical, sparkling, bumble bee about ABC canceling Adam Lambertīs concert on their network this morning.
ABC News canceled the concert after Lambertīs sexually charged performance at the American Music Awards Sunday night. Lambert led men on leashes, dragged a woman by her foot, and smashed a manīs head into his crotch, all while singing his new single "For Your Entertainment."
An ABC News spokesperson tells TVNewser, "given his controversial live performance on the AMAs we were concerned about airing a similar concert so early in the morning." - Media Bistro
First, smashing a manīs head onto your crotch is not gay. If you are Chuck Norris. Second, I see ABCīs point of view about the early time slot. Watching Madame Lambert at breakfast isnīt as appropriate as the gay fraternity show Greek that airs in the evenings on the ABC FAMILY channel, depicting what ABC refers to in their motto: A New Kind Of Family.
The little girl in me loves the books. The Twilight movie was ok. The New Moon movie is ok too I suppose, but it made me question my entire purpose in life (breasts) for a few hours. Iīm not joking when I say, before New Moon even started, the trailers were so gay that I was looking around for a nice sugar daddy to hold my hand for the main attraction.
The cast of New Moon is the same as Twilight I think, but unlike the characters they play, the actors playing vampires look a lot older than before and more likely to wander out of their set trailers with a forgotten loop of surgical tubing wrapped around their arms.
Bellaīs kind of my type, so even though sheīs cock-eyed, pale, knock-kneed and has smaller breasts than I do, I guess that after four Jager Bombs Iīd slam her like Jacob wants to. In a pleasant plot twist, we learn in New Moon that Alice Cullen has a nice rack.
But dear god, Edward Cullen is a fairy. Maybe he read Bellaīs dadīs thoughts and learned that Bella secretly keeps a penis tucked in her underpants. Otherwise I donīt know how heīs attracted to her. The actor playing Edward is as gay as a vanilla daiquiri too, so if heīd only moderately convinced me that he wanted to bone Bella, heīd be up for the Oscar.
Every scene where Edward isnīt around, I get a little tingly for Bella, but when Edward shows up, I feel repulsed by my own feelings, consider the cost of a proper Hello Kitty collection and wonder if his shade of lipstick would look good on me for prom. Let it be known that I hereby renounce all claims that I ever made to being Edward. I canīt aspire to being Jacob either, without violating my probation for statutory rape, because in book four he becomes a raging pedophile. My counselors told me thatīs not ok.
Itīs predictable that Muslims are a threat to Americans. There are subtle indicators, like the "death to America" chants. It turns out that, there happen to be quite a few Americans in America. You could say they are in the Homeland. Following the attack at Fort Hood by a Muslim, the head of Homeland Security said this:
"Janet Napolitano says her agency is working with groups across the United States to try to deflect any backlash against American Muslims following Thursdayīs rampage by Army Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan, a Muslim who reportedly expressed growing dismay over the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan." - AP
Well, the backlash against Muslims has already happened, like here and here.
Instead of hearing Napolitano placating to the non-apologetic Muslims that are at risk of having super mean things said about them, Iīd prefer she say "Muslims need to know that Homeland Security is increasing efforts to neutralize the threat that your violent anti-American sentiments pose to our citizens."
I know a LOT of religious people read the dirtbagchronicles.com. You are going to be momentarily offended by me. Get past it and listen.
If I was a Muslim I wouldnīt trust Christians any more than Christians trust Muslims. Thatīs because any organized religion that embraces an exclusive path to an afterlife is always dangerous to every other religion.
Fort Hood killer Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan shouted īAllahu Akbarī before mowing down unsuspecting soldiers, and that makes him no more, or less, of a total fucking dirtbag. It just builds on the stereotype that Muslims donīt like non-Muslims and are eager to supplement their march to heaven with staggering violence. So I donīt like them now. Iīm the kind of guy that doesnīt feel bad about projecting the actions of a few onto their entire group. Iīm just lucky in that regard.
"Soldiers who witnessed the rampage reported that the gunman shouted "Allahu Akbar!" an Arabic phrase for "God is great!" before opening fire, said Lt. Gen. Robert Cone, the base commander." - AP
Marketing a religion is hard work. You have to convince millions of rubes that an all powerful, yet totally absent, God needs you (yes you!) to contribute money and commit senseless acts to further his cause. Then you need the public relations horsepower to spin the actions of a shit head like Hasan into a recruiting tool. Christians canīt take the moral high ground on this either, your religion is based on a horribly fucked up history of violence and persecution.
When Christians work on converting me (it happens almost as often as gays try to convert me) the conversation usually goes like this:
"Godīs love for you is infinity and beyond. His is the way of pure peace." - Them
"More people have been killed in the name of [insert the name of their God here] than by Hitler." - Me
"I feel sorry for you. God hates you, and you will burn in hell for infinity and beyond." - Them
In God We Trust. And Iīm only taking half doses of my medicine lately.
Morehouse College is already racist and sexist, and now a brutha canīt even cross dress there!
"An all-male college in Atlanta, Georgia, has banned the wearing of womenīs clothes, makeup, high heels and purses as part of a new crackdown on what the institution calls inappropriate attire.
No dress-wearing is part of a larger dress code launched this week that Morehouse College is calling its "Appropriate Attire Policy." - CNN
Three hundred years ago, if a slave on a southern plantation wanted to get a little funky with their clothes, no one fussed over it so long as they picked their quota and didnīt get uppity. So I think I speak on behalf of all African American men that dress as women, when I say this to the massas administration at Morehouse: Where would society be without Ru Paul, Dennis Rodman or Whoopi Goldberg?
These are dark days my friends. Dark days with men in menīs clothing.
The French Culture Minister wrote an autobiography that highlights his appetite for young male Asian prostitutes. I know itīs hard to believe. The man who defines French Culture is a gay, whore mongering, pedophile.
"The new French culture minister, Frédéric Mitterrand, is fighting to save his brief ministerial career after opposition politicians expressed disgust at his autobiography, in which he justified sex tourism and admitted "paying for boys".
The choice [of appointing Mitterrand] was reportedly influenced by the President [Sarkozy] wife, Carla Bruni, who has been trying to broaden the her husbandīs cultural horizons." - Huffington Post
Iīve already established that I have a averaged sized, uncomfortably erect thing for Carla Bruni, but until now it was only because her body is like Kabul. Itīs bombed out.
Now itīs because I know she tells her husband how to do his job. She has declared her open position on polygamy. Maybe if Obama took her as the second first lady, weīd have a presidential mouthpiece that talks as tough on Iran as fucking pansy ass France.
A French gay soccer team had a scheduled match with a Muslim soccer team, but the Muslims cancelled. I know its redundant to say "French" and "gay" in the same sentence, but Iīm trying to report news here, so cut me some slack.
"Because of the principles of our team, which is a team of devout Muslims, we canīt play against you," the e-mail said, according to Paris Foot Gay. The e-mail received Saturday said, "Our convictions are much more important than a simple football match." - Breitbart
I donīt know if īParis Foot Gayī is the name of the team, or if they just call themselves īLe Gaylordsī. It doesnīt matter, because there is more ABBA dancing in their locker room than at the Ice Capades. What is interesting is that devoting your life to killing infidels is morally less offensive than juggling some soccer balls at halftime.
Muslims discriminate against gays. Conservatives discriminate against gays. Your enemy is my friend. Bush helped Al Qaeda plan 9/11? Dun dun dun!
UPDATE: The Muslim homophobes have been kicked out of the French amateur soccer league. They can thank the Dirtbag Mob for the publicity. Weīre Here Weīre Queer, Get Used To It!
Lispy gaylord Barney Frank D-Mass, and lesbian star of the congressional softball team Tammy Baldwin D-Wis have joined super-homo forces to make sure that pot bellied, bearded men wearing latex dresses and boas can work the receptionist desk at your office without being unfairly judged.
"Two openly gay members of Congress on Wednesday urged their colleagues to pass a sweeping job-discrimination bill that would for the first time protect gays and transsexuals from workplace bias.
The testimony from Reps. Barney Frank, D-Mass., and Tammy Baldwin, D-Wis., comes as supporters of the measure believe Congress is closer than ever to banning discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation." - Associated Press
Damn it! If only I īd known that itīs currently acceptable to discriminate on the basis of sexual orientation Iīd have a checkbox for "Female bi-sexual nymphomaniac with oral fetish and signed consent form" on my companyīs job applications. Notice to existing employees that donīt fit our new hiring policy: prepare for a tsunami of pink slipage.
Orly Taitz is a lawyer that files lawsuits based on Obama being an illegitimate president because he was born on Krypton, or anywhere other than the U.S. Of course she has about as much proof of that as she has proof that she isnīt a man with makeup on. I mean no offense lady, but Iīd rather have sex with a bee hive.
Anyyyyyhoo...
"U.S. District Court Judge Clay Land has thrown out a complaint questioning the presidentīs birth from an Army captain fighting deployment to Iraq and gave a warning to her lawyer, birther maven Orly Taitz. - Huffington Post
So the army captain is arguing that if Obama ainīt the legitimate commander in chief, then Obama doesnīt have the authority to deploy his sorry ass to Iraq. Listen Captain, if you want out of the Army just give your lawyer a big kiss on the mouth. It will be seen as a clear act of tranny luvinī gayness. Donīt ask, donīt tell sucka.
"So, what if 52% of California thought Maria and I shouldnīt be married? Or 99 percent? Would that be enough that we should have to move, or marry someone else, or stay single? Itīs our life. Fuck those people. Itīs not their business. Vote me out of office, but donīt tell me who I can marry." - Arnold Schwarzenegger Daily Kos
Well said Arnold, but 52% of your constituents disagreed with you when they voted no same sex marriage. Is Arnold is going to throw the resources of the state against the decision of the stateīs citizens to prove that prop 8 is unconstitutional?
I īm practically a lawyer because Iīve been sued so many times, and Iīm pretty sure that there are one or two legal checks in place before a proposition makes it to the general election. At least there was when I campaigned to put a proposition on the ballot legalizing drunk driving. Maybe homos are a more potent political force than drunks, but *hiccup* I doubt it.
Some people take this midget seriously but I donīt. One time I rigged an election by stuffing the ballot boxes like Mahmoud did. Iīm half an idiot and even I didnīt get caught. Thats because I didnīt consider violating the laws of nature while 70 million people were watching. I guess now would be a good time to apologize to the "losers" of the election I affected. Sorry losers.
"How do you count almost 40 million handwritten paper ballots in a matter of hours and declare a winner? Thats a key question in Irans disputed presidential election."
There is not a single man that kisses the penis of any other man in Iran. You can look it up.
