Serbian political outcast turned reality TV dope, Milorad "Rod" Blagojevich, secretly wishes he had a longer penis and better times in the 100 yard dash. But now that heīs made his wish to be black public, heīs in desperate need of a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken to ease the racial tension.
"Iīm blacker than Barack Obama. I shined shoes." - News Pics Videos
Racially, Iīm not connecting the dots with what Blagojevich is trying to say. If memory serves, the best shoe shines Iīve ever gotten are from Dragoslav, the disfigured Serbian refugee working the airport gig over there in Detroit City.
Blago has made a point to promote his new acting career. The video below captures Blago invoking a negro dialect during an on-set audition to replace Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder 2.
The DBC Roommate writes all day, and gets more readers than I do. That makes him a superhero. Like all superheroes, he has an arch nemesis. In this case the arch nemesis posts retarded comments on as many of DBC Roommateīs articles as possible. Heīs a 4ī 7", African American, supposedly high school educated dwarf from Chicago that goes by the handle a-hole. Only he spells it ahol888.
Whatever, the point is that since Chicago is dropping the police officer entrance exam to allow more minorities to qualify, a-hole can badge-up and waddle down the street chasing other minorities.
"Dropping the exam would bolster minority hiring and avert legal battles, according to one source, while others confirm that the exam could be scrapped to open the process to as many people as possible." - NPV
Hopefully Chicago doesnīt decide it needs more minority doctors anytime soon.
As previously reported in the posting New Stealth Ship Fights Japanese Whalers, a team of activists thought a phallic carbon dinghy powered by cooking grease and armed with a kick ass stereo would collapse an entire industry. They were wrong.
Donīt you just love how even AFTER the Ady Gil has been completely keel hauled, some Japanese descendant of Admiral Yamamoto yells Tora! Tora! Tora! and tries to behead the Ady crew with a salt-water cannon.
Note: Yes I think the Ady Gil got themselves rammed on purpose to make you feel sorry for them. And to collect the insurance money for their useless ship.
Sometimes a story strikes me as so funny, its hard to make it more funny. This is one of those stories, so Iīll just tell it straight.
The Japanese go whaling in the Antarctic regularly. The seas in the region are some of the most vicious on earth. A group of ant-whaling activist have enlisted a new ship to try to stop the whalers, or make their lives somewhat more difficult. They refer to these campaigns as war.
The ship has three main features that set it apart from what an otherwise effective war ship would employ. First its only 78 feet long and shaped like a movie prop. That means itīs going to capsize and sink.
"Itīs a tough environment for a little boat like this and I am nervous, as Antarctica is one of the most hostile places on earth," Peter Bethune, skipper of the Ady Gil, told Reuters
Second, its powered by environmentally friendly fuel, which means itīs probably fatally underpowered for the conditions of the Antarctic. Warships have to be designed to break stuff and kill people, not minimize their carbon footprint.
Third, it claims to be stealthy against radar. Thatīs cool! Except, itīs main battle armament is playing really loud music. Which is the opposite of stealthy.
"Bethune said the eerie music, called "Tangaroa" or "Guardian of the Sea", would be blasted through huge speakers and should be enough to scare off the bravest of men.
"It makes the hairs on your neck stand up - itīs very intimidating," he said. "If we really go causing them some difficulties Iīm going to put that track on."
If itīs that scary, wonīt it terrify the crew as much as the Japanese? Below is the aforementioned song that represents the activists secret weapon, and stands between the whales living and dying. Good luck with all that.
The big bear screwed the pooch again when it sent the 13th version of it`s new Buluva missile downrange. The result was abysmal failure. Again.
"This is a catastrophe ... Huge funds were siphoned off from Russia`s moribund navy for the Bulava project. In fact, billions of dollars have been flushed down the drain," Alexander Khramchikhin, chief analyst at the Moscow-based Institute of Military and Political Analysis, told Reuters.
Analysts criticize Moscow`s hurry to build the Bulava, as it already has a highly reliable Soviet-built Sineva submarine-based ballistic missile. They also question awarding the Bulava contract to the Moscow Institute of Thermal Technology, which has never before built missiles for submarines. - MSNBC
Maybe the Moscow Institute of Thermal Technology is a KGB research front studying the effects of adding thermal energy to cannabis. Whatever, the first time I went to Russia in 1988, all the military equipment looked like it was assembled in the backyard of some drunkard with sheet metal and a pop rivet gun. Measure twice, cut once dumbass.
Sorry fans, it wasn`t a UFO spotted over Norway. Just a sales demo of the North Korean`s next frightening piece of flying crap.
Depending on the situation and thanks to my big brain, Iīm practically a doctor, a lawyer, a scientist and damn near everything else my parents hoped I would become.
"The Environmental Protection Agency declared today that carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases are harmful to people and the environment.
The EPA now has unilateral authority to act, including setting new carbon emissions standards for power plants, factories and cars, even if Congress fails to pass a climate bill." - ABC
I just want to put on my almost scientist hat for a moment and paint a picture for the EPA. Without green house gases the planet Earth (where most of you live) would have the same climate as the moon. But lets assume Iīm wrong about that. Without carbon dioxide every plant on the planet would die and there wouldnīt be any oxygen. Either way, what has become clear is that Obamaīs EPA is hell bent on killing us all via asphyxiation, cryogenic freezing or worse, excessive taxation.
Note: Iīd like to point out that every time you see a picture of horrible pollution like the one above from ABC News, itīs actually steam. Not toxic poison. Toxic poison doesnīt show up well on film.
Note 2: Yes smarty pants I already know that water is one of the most effective greenhouse gases, which means that the EPA has declared it toxic too. But given the frozen earth scenario I posed, all Earthīs water would be ice. Which isnīt a gas. So I want a free pass on that one.
I assumed Tiger Woodsī legal team could convince a judge that Adolph Hitler was just the front man for some Jew from Nazareth with a god complex. Maybe they arenīt as think as they smart they are.
"US Weekly has reported the couple has a prenuptial agreement worth $300 million, which would make this the most expensive celebrity divorce in history. Right now, Michael Jordan holds that record when his wife, Juanita, received an estimated $150 million settlement." - CBS
Here is how my conversation, as acting legal counsel, would have gone with Tiger following his 2003 engagement.
Tiger: "Iīm getting married."
Dirtbag LLC: "Thatīs stupid."
Tiger: "But there are only 3 billion other women in the world willing to ride my private jet. I canīt pass this up."
Dirtbag LLC: "Whatever dumb ass, youīll need a prenup."
Tiger: "..."
Dirtbag LLC: "You know, so she agrees on the amount sheīll steal for all her "hard work" when you fuck up."
Tiger: "Iīm not good with math that doesnīt involve yardage. How much? Everything?"
Dirtbag LLC: "My standard formula for determining prenup value is this: take the market price for a hit man and add 10%. Letīs call it $250. Sheīs happy she doesnīt get dead, and you pay less than $100 for each incident of marital sex that you actually liked. Grab lunch?"
Just this morning I had a man-made-climate-change Xanax attack because itīs December and itīs 85 degrees outside. Then someone slapped me and said "Hey asshole, youīre in the southern hemisphere. Itīs summer here."
I said "Well yeah, BUT STILL!!!"
The White House insists that any reason to institute new taxes climate change is upon us.
"I donīt think thatīs anything that is, quite frankly, among most people, in dispute anymore," he said during Mondayīs press briefing." Robert Gibbs - The Hill
Yeah itīs man made climate change alright! We read "the manīs" emails last week! Even if most people do believe in climate change (they donīt), could it be because the scientists whose stipends depend on the fad, produce data that perpetuates the claims? I can argue man made global warming seven ways to Sunday. But I lose fans when math is involved, so I wonīt.
Just this morning I had a man made climate Xanax attack because itīs December and itīs 85 degrees outside. Then someone slapped me and said "hey asshole, youīre in the southern hemisphere. Itīs summer here."
The White House insists that any reason to institute new taxes climate change is upon us.
"I donīt think thatīs anything that is, quite frankly, among most people, in dispute anymore," he said during Mondayīs press briefing." - The Hill
Yeah itīs man made climate change alright! We read "the manīs" emails last week! Even if most people do believe in climate change (they donīt), could it be because the scientists whose stipends depend on the fad, produce data that perpetuates the claims? I can argue man made global warming seven ways to Sunday. But I lose fans when math is involved, so I wonīt.
The White House insists that any reason to institute new taxes climate change is upon us.
"I donīt think thatīs anything that is, quite frankly, among most people, in dispute anymore," he said during Mondayīs press briefing." - The Hill
Even if most people do believe in climate change (they donīt), could it be because the scientists whose stipends depend on the fad produce data that perpetuates the claims? I can argue man made global warming seven ways to Sunday. But I lose fans when math is involved, so I wonīt.
I wanted to write about the time I was driving and had to pee really bad. I expanded the straw hole of a Super Big Gulp and inserted my magnificence into the cup. Worked great. Until the plastic shards of the lid prevented me from gracefully removing myself. That`s called a monkey trap people, and you need to be careful out there.
I was upset that I couldn`t find any way to relate my awesome story into the news that New York State will be broke in December, until I remembered that New York has a soda tax. Or something like that.
"We`re going to run out of cash in four and a half weeks. We are going to run out of money. Unless we do something about it, (it will) threaten generations," Paterson said.
The governor says $3.2 billion in cuts must be enacted how -- or else. The cuts range from $500 million in agency spending to over $1 billion in already committed in aid to school districts and hospitals.
"I will mortgage my political career, but I will not mortgage the fate of the State of New York," Paterson said. - CBS
Paterson`s closing sentence is the reason people hate politicians. The fact that he even compares the risk to his political career versus the risk to the state of New York means he`s weighed one against the other.
By the way, when I tagged this posting as "dumbshit" I was referring to myself.
Republican and honored protector of family values and ethics, Michael "Hanky Spanky" Duvall, announced his sexual escapades into a live microphone.
"Duvall was heard telling one colleague: īSo, I am getting into spanking her. Yeah, I like it. I like spanking her. She goes, īI know you like spanking me.ī I said, īYeah! Because youīre such a bad girl!īī.
Married with two grown children, Duvall has been heralded for voting "...time and time again to protect and preserve family values in California", according to the Capitol Resource Institute.
The two-term assemblyman was also honored back in 2000 with the "Ethics in America Award" from Chapman University for demonstrating "...the highest standards of ethical integrity". - Daily Mail
Itīs not just that Duvall is ass slappinī some hot piece of tail that isnīt his wife. Thatīs normal for right wing, family value, holier-than-thou types. Duvall took it to the next level of ethics by choosing to bang a lobbyist from an energy company. The honorable assemblyman vice-chairs the Utility & Commerce Committee. In other words he awards contracts to energy companies. As shocking as this may sound, it seems that both politicians AND lobbyists are whores.
Michael Moore has taken time away from stuffing his face with White Castle burgers and polluting his surroundings with global warming producing farts to document his wisdom once again.
"Capitalism is evil. That is the conclusion U.S. documentary maker Michael Moore comes to in his latest movie "Capitalism: A Love Story," which premieres at the Venice film festival Sunday." - Reuters
Michael Moore gets investors to finance movie projects requiring cameras, travel, employees, marketing and untold thousands of Krispie Kreams. All products of capitalism. If you agree with this blubber fuck that buying and selling things is evil, donīt buy one of his movie tickets. Itīs what Lenin would want.
A group of drunk-ass fools got rolled by a trio of fat escorts from Craigslist.
"The women ducked into a bedroom and started rooting around for things to steal, including a Blackberry and some jewelry," Hansen said. The men saw them and tried to stop them, but the women raced back to their car.
The men chased after them, but one man was run over when he tried block the women from driving off. The man suffered injuries that required a two-day hospital stay, Hansen said. The men were were unable to get a license plate number.
While trying to describe the suspects to police, the men decided to rate the women on a scale of 1 to 10. Three of the victems said the women all rated a "2." But the man described by police as the most intoxicated disagreed and claimed they rated a "4." -
The Seattle Times.
This is kind of a coincidence. My mom said she just got a new (used) Blackberry and some jewelry. Anyway, notice how the reporter doesnīt specify whether the man was run over by the car or the hooker? Iīm just sayinī.
Born February 22, 1932 to corrupt Rum Runner and Nazi sympathizer Joe Kennedy, Ted was lucky to be born rich. Although his grades were average he was admitted to Harvard; which he was in no way qualified for. In an attempt to prove this fact beyond reasonable doubt, he was expelled after cheating on a Spanish test. Ted then entered Army Intelligence training, from which he was kicked out after only two weeks. Luckily for Ted, his father twisted arms to keep him from action in the Korean War. Thanks to his last name, he was readmitted to Harvard and managed to get a law degree from a second rate institution while maintaining a high blood alcohol level.
At this point Ted focused his mediocre abilities on pursuits such as cheating on his wife, ski jumping and riding bucking broncos.
It was in 1969 that his fame was earned for a reason besides his lineage, when he got shit-faced at a party and drove himself and a girl off a bridge. Not satisfied, he swam to shore, left the girl to die and didnīt report the incident to the police until after the womanīs body was found. Shortly thereafter he was reelected to public office.
Aside from his later involvement in a rape trial, he managed to focus the rest of his life on forcing people less rich than him to pay for ideas that he didnīt want to fund with his own inheritance and searching for ways to get energy from windmills (he found it possible anywhere but in front of his house).
For these and a thousand other intangible shortcomings and violations, he is remembered as a dolt, a bad husband, a danger to drunk women and above all else...a shining example for politicians everywhere. We miss you Ted.
Two Japanese were caught with a shit load of U.S. Bonds heading from Italy to Switzerland. They had 249 treasury notes in their luggage, some of them worth $1 billion each.
"Are these would-be smugglers agents of Kim Jong Il stashing North Koreas cash in a Swiss vault? Bagmen for Nigerian Internet scammers? Was the money meant for terrorists looking to buy nuclear warheads? Is Japan dumping its dollars secretly? Are the bonds real or counterfeit?" - Bloomberg
I fancy myself a master criminal, and I have a few pointers for these two knobs. First, passing a One Billion dollar bill might require a managerīs sign-off at the local Banc Suisse branch. Second, have you ever heard of a little something called FedEx? Itīs a real bitch filling out all those shipping labels, especially if you are sending one treasury note at a time, but come on. I canīt help people that arenīt willing to help themselves.
Senator Richard "I prefer Dick" Durbin quickly sold $49,696 from his mutual fund after a September 18th meeting with Paulson and Bernanke.
"Durbin was doing what a lot of other people were doing, taking a look at their savings" and seeing it "start to tank and trying to preserve some level of wealth by getting out of the market," said Joe Shoemaker, Durbins spokes-hole.
Hey Dick, the next time the guys in charge of the entire economy say its all going to shit, and you aren`t going to do any insider trading, wait more than a day to not do the insider trading. Because, you know, otherwise you look the opposite of smart.
