Community-Organizer-In-Chief B. Hussein Obama has built a successful career based on talking more and doing less.
Unfortunately for the three American citizens that want the government to spend a trillion dollars to provide government grade health care to the other five citizens that don´t currently have it, Barack has screwed the whole matter up. He´s convinced he lost "a direct connection to the American people in his first year in office because he focused too heavily on policymaking".
Here is an accounting of Obama´s failed attempts at direct connection in 2009.
SPEECHES, COMMENTS & REMARKS: 411
• Includes 52 addresses or statements specifically on his health care proposals.
• He used a TelePrompTer at least 178 times.
(CBS)
NEWS CONFERENCES: 42
• Of which 5 were formal, solo White House Q&A sessions. Four were in prime time.
• Nearly all of the other press availabilities were joint appearances with foreign leaders at which as few as 1 question was taken by Mr. Obama.
• Predecessor George W. Bush did 21 news conferences his first year of which 4 were formal, solo White House sessions. Only 1 was in prime time.
INTERVIEWS: 158.
• This is a striking number of interviews and far more than any of his recent predecessors in their first year. Ninety of the sessions were TV interviews. Eleven were radio. The rest were newspaper and magazine. The number reflects the White House media strategy that Mr. Obama can best respond to questions in an interview setting.
TOWN HALL MEETINGS: 23
• Includes 1 in Strasbourg, France and another in Shanghai, China
DOMESTIC TRAVEL: 46 out-of-town trips to 58 cities and towns in 30 states
• Most frequently visited state by Mr. Obama: New York* (excluding Maryland & Virginia, which border DC and to which visits are more local than out-of-town).
• President George W. Bush made appearances in 39 states during his 1st year.
• President Clinton visited 22 states in 1993, his first year.
The only message I hear more often than Barack´s is "Dirtbag you suck", so I don´t know how he plans to dominate more of your attention. Maybe he´d get more mentions if he changed his name to "The". At some point though, The Barack, you might consider the problem with your message isn´t the number of times you deliver it.
I have no idea what Chuck Norris is talking about, but you better listen up...
"Is it merely coincidental that Obama signed this executive Interpol order, and that the feds want to try these 9/11 terrorists in civilian courts rather than military courts?" Chuck Norris asks in his bizarre and hard-to-follow rant." - News Pics Videos
Chuck Norris operates on a higher plane than you and I. So if you don´t understand what he´s saying it´s your problem, not Chuck´s. Here are some facts about Chuck that you may not have known:
- Chuck Norris doesn´t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
- There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
- Outer space exists because it´s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
- Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
- When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn´t lifting himself up, he´s pushing the Earth down.
- Chuck Norris´ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
- If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
If he knows what´s good for him, Obama better do the opposite of whatever Chuck´s accusing him of.
Serbian political outcast turned reality TV dope, Milorad "Rod" Blagojevich, secretly wishes he had a longer penis and better times in the 100 yard dash. But now that he´s made his wish to be black public, he´s in desperate need of a bucket of Kentucky Fried Chicken to ease the racial tension.
"I´m blacker than Barack Obama. I shined shoes." - News Pics Videos
Racially, I´m not connecting the dots with what Blagojevich is trying to say. If memory serves, the best shoe shines I´ve ever gotten are from Dragoslav, the disfigured Serbian refugee working the airport gig over there in Detroit City.
Blago has made a point to promote his new acting career. The video below captures Blago invoking a negro dialect during an on-set audition to replace Robert Downey Jr. in Tropic Thunder 2.
I don´t know what dey call blackies out dere in Neeee-vada, but they must speak awfal funny compared to that Barack fella.
"Senator Harry Reid of Nevada, the majority leader, apologized on Saturday for saying that he believed Barack Obama could become the country’s first black president because he was “light-skinned” and had the advantage of carrying “no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one.”" - News-Pics-Videos
In fairness to Harry, he could be the first Mormon president because he has the advantage of not having 27 wives, fornicating with 9 year old girls and living on the compound. Sadly he won´t go to heaven until he does.
The dirt people of Nigeria are upset with Obama, because a Nigerian tried to blow up a flight in America and Obama suggested that maybe it would be good if Nigeria check their U.S. bound passengers for explosive underpants from now on.
The procedures, which took effect from Monday, come in the wake of a botched Christmas Day bombing attempt on a U.S. airliner blamed on Nigerian Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab.
"Nigeria expresses its disappointment and concern of the undeserved placement of Nigeria on the countries of interest list and views this action as having the potential of undermining longstanding and established U.S.-Nigeria bilateral ties," said Information Minister Dora Akunyili.
She did not elaborate on what could be at risk. - NPV
At risk is the "Longstanding and established U.S.-Nigeria bilateral ties" which is another way of saying "Accepting foreign aid from the U.S. in return for nothing besides sending a bunch of Nigerian Scam emails about helping fleeing royalty move money through your bank account".
Nigeria is mostly Muslim, so I don´t like them, as I explained here.
Jurassic-era babe Nancy Pelosi and Ba-lack Obama are at odds over the meaning of transparency. Both agree you should applaud whenever they say the word, but there may be a gap in how they measure the value of follow through. Isn´t it amazing how dirtbags think things are believable simply because they said it?
Pelosi wants to reconcile the house and senate healthcare plans behind closed doors without republican congressmen. She says that there has never been a more open process than one without witnesses or cameras this.
"C-SPAN wrote a letter to congressional leaders Tuesday asking that TV cameras be allowed to film negotiations to reconcile the House and Senate versions of healthcare reform legislation.
But Pelosi said Congress has already been transparent throughout the process.
"There has never been a more open process for any legislation," Pelosi said at a press conference." - NPV
Before she was able to explain what she meant by "open", Pelosi said the interview was over.
Obama could certainly come up with ten novel explanations for why the eight occassions he promised to "broadcast the healthcare negotiations on C-span" in the video below didn´t specifically mean "broadcast the healthcare negotiations on C-span". But the best explanation of all may be that he can´t control his own party.
Now the Muslims will REALLY like America. Thanks for making the world a safer place Obama.
"President Obama recently named Amanda Simpson to be a Senior Technical Advisor to the Commerce Department." - NPV
A-Man-Duh(!) used to be a man. (S)he is the first transgender White House appointee in history. Janet Reno is said to be consulting lawyers about the accuracy of that claim.
So the point of the Copenhagen Climate Summit was to steal your money and control your behavior save the planet from warming weather.
As of Thursday, it was expected that instead of a new agreement, the two years of work leading up to Copenhagen would produce a mere extension of the Kyoto treaty. The Kyoto Treaty aims to prevent a global temperature increase of .007 degrees by 2050 at a cost of about $726 billion. At that rate of success, Kyoto could have lowered the temperature by 1 degree for only a $100 trillion.
But alas, such success is too modest a goal. The leaders of dirt countries in Africa and beyond hoped that if there was a more substantive agreement (like one where they got more free money) they could manage to grow one carrot per hectare. Instead, the leaders of the world that converged on Copenhagen inked these new terms:
1. Agreement on how to monitor carbon emission.
2. Don´t do anything with item #1.
Source: NPV
"It´s weak. There´s nothing ambitious in this text," said Lumumba Di-Aping of Sudan, a leader of the developing nations bloc.
Obama may eventually become known as "the man who killed Copenhagen," said Greenpeace U.S. Executive Director Phil Radford.
In fairness to Barack, he had to rush home from the global warming summit to beat the biggest blizzard to hit D.C. since 2003. A tip of my new Kangol hat to you Barack. You did nothing, as usual, but this time it was appropriate.
The cover story on the upcoming Golf Digest is "10 Tips Obama Can Take From Tiger", and the two of them are posing like BFF`s (brutha friends fo-eva). But dat shit be hittin the mutha fuckin fan now yo!
"The editors at Golf Digest had this great idea. President Barack Obama has been playing a lot of golf lately. And according to a detailed report in The Wall Street Journal, not playing that well. So why not invite Tiger Woods, the world`s pre-eminent golfer, to give the president some tips?" - Chicago Times
Though the magazine tried to do a last minute swap on the cover photo, it was too late to beat the deadline. However, we`ve managed to obtain the top 10 tips from Tiger to Barack that the editors are frantically attempting to incorporate into the story.
10. Casinos have lotz of dem cameras, so wear one of dem big-ass afro wigs.
9. No matter what gonna happen, porn stars are da b-o-m-b.
8. You can`t be using yo real name when talkin up da hos. Get tricky with yo name, like Igertay Oodsway.
7. Don`t be watchin no video of Nancy Pelosi before you about to go ballin`. That shit`ll MESS up yo game.
6. If the Secretive Service be sayin don`t use no blackberry, true dat.
5. What up with the higher taxes yo? Fuck dat brutha!
4. You ever tried dat Ambien before you get inta Michelle?
3. What is you all white and shit now? Switch out the Obama-mobile with a black ass Escalade. RepreSENT dat sheeeeet!
2. Is Michelle half white like you man? Don`t marry no crazy ass white bitch.
1. Monica Lewinsky is fugly dude, don`t go down like dat.
Mormons are kind of like Superman. They wear special underpants that protect them from evil, and give them the super human strength needed to refuse a frosty glass of Coca Cola. If they save enough people, they have a chance at making it to their own private Krypton for eternity.
Harry Reid´s dedication to Mormonism is overshadowed by his loyalty to the democrat party however, as he told his church it had no business passing moral judgement on gay marriage. So he isn´t getting a private planet. That may be weighing on him, because he said something really stupid. As usual.
"Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid took his GOP-blasting rhetoric to a new level Monday, comparing Republicans who oppose health care reform to lawmakers who clung to the institution of slavery more than a century ago." - Fox News
Slaves had free health care provided to them in exchange for the labor they were forced to donate to the system. Kind of like socialism.
So I´ll just go ahead and say that anyone that supports people being forced to donate their work to the system for six months out of every year via taxation, in exchange for free health care, supports slavery.
Depending on the situation and thanks to my big brain, I´m practically a doctor, a lawyer, a scientist and damn near everything else my parents hoped I would become.
"The Environmental Protection Agency declared today that carbon dioxide and other greenhouse gases are harmful to people and the environment.
The EPA now has unilateral authority to act, including setting new carbon emissions standards for power plants, factories and cars, even if Congress fails to pass a climate bill." - ABC
I just want to put on my almost scientist hat for a moment and paint a picture for the EPA. Without green house gases the planet Earth (where most of you live) would have the same climate as the moon. But lets assume I´m wrong about that. Without carbon dioxide every plant on the planet would die and there wouldn´t be any oxygen. Either way, what has become clear is that Obama´s EPA is hell bent on killing us all via asphyxiation, cryogenic freezing or worse, excessive taxation.
Note: I´d like to point out that every time you see a picture of horrible pollution like the one above from ABC News, it´s actually steam. Not toxic poison. Toxic poison doesn´t show up well on film.
Note 2: Yes smarty pants I already know that water is one of the most effective greenhouse gases, which means that the EPA has declared it toxic too. But given the frozen earth scenario I posed, all Earth´s water would be ice. Which isn´t a gas. So I want a free pass on that one.
Brazil, the 2016 Olympic host, is considering legal action against Robin Williams for his explanation of how they managed to beat out Chicago´s bid for the summer games.
"Some citizens and officials in the Brazilian city are upset with comments the comedian made on a recent appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman, saying Rio received the 2016 Olympics because it sent “50 strippers and a pound of blow” to compete with Chicago’s entourage that included Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey." - Yahoo
What Williams failed to clarify in the quote, is whether the Brazilian weekend package he described was sent to the Olympic selection committee, or to admitted cocaine user Barack Obama as incentive to tank his pitch. We can only speculate as to whether free sex and drugs are capable of influence.
Eric Schmidt, the CEO of Google, is an Obama adviser and his next meeting with the boss is going to be as fun as that time I had to explain this site to my mom.
"For most of the past week, when someone typed "Michelle Obama" in the popular search engine Google, one of the first images that came up was a picture of the American first lady altered to resemble a monkey." - CNN
I´ve spent the better part of my adult life marveling at fate´s cruelty understanding and exploiting the way Google determines what search results appear at the top of their list. In short, the more respected sites that link to an image or page, the higher it appears in the search results. This Michelle Obama gaff isn´t an indicator of a flaw on Google´s well developed algorithm. Their math is wicked awesome. It simply reveals what content is well linked and trafficked. Draw your own conclusion on why this image would fit that category.
While you´re doing that, realize that even the morphed picture of Michelle is sexier than Google´s top images of Barbara Bush. Its important to tell you, I´d rather have sex with a belt sander.
The constantly hypocrital party that claims to have the best interest of minorities at heart appears to have preferences when it comes to skin color. Voters were given a choice between a photo of a lighter-skinned version of Barack Obama versus a darker-skinned version and most voters who consider themselves Democrats last year selected the lighter version.
One of the researchers, Eugene Caruso of the University of Chicago, discovered that participants whose partisanship was the same as that of the candidate "consistently rated the lightened photographs as more representative of the candidate than the darkened photographs, whereas participants whose partisanship did not match that of the candidate showed the opposite pattern." - The Grio
Don´t expect the media to report this.
I´m neither Democrat or Republican, but when shown a light version and a dark version of Michael Jackson and asked "which looks like they have a shot at a medical malpractice suit and the next Batman movie?" I answered like the liberals in the study. Sha-mo!
Barack Obama has announced that a climate deal probably won´t happen this year. A climate deal would require that everyone goes the extra mile to reduce unnecessary use of fossil fuels and electricity however they can and since man made global warming is the biggest scam since the Catholics invented Indulgences not everyone is ready to make that leap.
Barack hopes that in place of a climate deal, his actions set an example to everyman that change is possible, and a brighter future comes from a greener today. He reduced the size of his motorcade to only 71 cars.
This is exactly the type of stuff that convinced me to watch Loose Change 20 times on Youtube. Yeah, I really did. Can YOU explain WTC or the Pentagon!?!?
"Kenyan-born US Senate hopeful, Barrack Obama, appeared set to take over the Illinois Senate seat after his main rival, Jack Ryan, dropped out of the race on Friday night amid a furor over lurid sex club allegations." - (possibly) AP 2004
Get ready for the relatively presentable Birthers to start conducting interviews on the Fox, and the ones that keep trying to bite their own cheek to appear on MSNBC. And no, you can´t get a refund on the time you spend wasting your life watching this stuff.
So it may be that the geographic location with the biggest claim to job creation and salvation success is situated directly in Fantasyland. At least now the unemployed know where all the jobs are going.
"Here´s a stimulus success story: In Arizona´s 15th congressional district, 30 jobs have been saved or created with just $761,420 in federal stimulus spending. At least that´s what the Web site set up by the Obama administration to track the $787 billion stimulus says.
There´s one problem, though: There is no 15th congressional district in Arizona; the state has only eight districts.
And ABC News has found many more entries for projects like this in places that are incorrectly identified." - ABC
Let´s just agree that no more jobs are created when the government takes your money and spends it, than when you spend it yourself on beer, alimony, porn etc. The only difference is that my way doesn´t intentionally weaken the dollar, submarine the global economy and make America a toxic has-been on the world stage. Then again, some say that has been the liberal´s mission from day one.
About 12 hours ago I lambasted Homeland Security here for their politically correct statements following the Fort Hood terrorist attack.
Now its a whole hell of a lot worse.
"U.S. intelligence agencies were aware months ago that Army Major Nidal Hasan was attempting to make contact with people associated with al Qaeda, two American officials briefed on classified material in the case told ABC News.
Investigators want to know if Hasan maintained contact with a radical mosque leader from Virginia, Anwar al Awlaki, who now lives in Yemen and runs a web site that promotes jihad around the world against the U.S.
In a blog posting early Monday titled "Nidal Hassan Did the Right Thing," Awlaki calls Hassan a "hero" and a "man of conscience who could not bear living the contradiction of being a Muslim and serving in an army that is fighting against his own people." - ABC
Barack Obama asked that none of us jump to conclusions about a Muslim, killing Americans, in a terrorist attack, on the homeland, protected by an agency that knew he was Islamic extremist months in advance, who was armed and had access to military bases.
We are standing by for Obama to give us permission to conclude what the fuck is going on.
Ask any woman that knows me here on the island and she´ll tell you: I can tell more than seven lies in two minutes. So I´m better than the Barack in that regard, but my lies always start the same way. "This one time...at band camp."
I know its hard to accept because if you don´t you´re a racist, but believing that certain politicians can improve the economy by raising taxes and spending more money than they have is fanciful.
Oh, and sorry to shock you with two harsh realities at once, but MSNBC isn´t very reliable at mentioning relevant things they have previously reported that could make The Chosen One look bad.
"President Barack Obama said Wednesday that heavy-equipment maker Caterpillar has informed him it will rehire some of the thousands of workers it has laid off in recent weeks if Congress passes an economic stimulus bill."MSNBC Feb 11, 2009
By the way, Caterpillar CEO quickly said that he had told Obama no such thing...and then today...
"Caterpillar Inc. said Monday about 2,500 laid-off employees will be permanently cut from the company and 550 others will be brought back to work by the end of next year.
The workers are among more than 22,000 laid off earlier this year as Caterpillar dramatically scaled back production due to weaker demand amid the global economic downturn." - MSNBC Oct 26, 2009
Any correlation between those two articles must have slipped past MSNBC´s rigorous quality control. But not the Dirtbag´s. My mom said I have a big brain. But then my dad said I´m a devious creep.
I guess Obama may be right when he said Caterpillar would rehire some of the workers it laid off. What he didn´t mention was the tricky Chinese math involved. I´ll explain. If Caterpillar needs to lay off 2,500 people, they actually "lay off" 3,050 and then say that they may rehire 550 of them at the end of 2010 (by which time all of those people will have jobs producing farm implements for FarmVille on Facebook). Everyone is happy!
Except for anyone that believed politicians can offer job security.
I think Barack´s had just about enough time to formulate a plan for Afghanistan. Now he´s stretching out the decision by leaking a puff piece to MSNBC that cracks the door open for formal operations in Pakistan.
"Which enemy [al-Qaeda or Taliban] is a higher priority?
President Barack Obama and his advisers are debating whether U.S. policy should sever that linkage and target al-Qaida, which has appeared to have found new allies inside the Pakistani border." - MSNBC
Here´s an idea, but I´m just spitballin´ here. The enemy is defined as the people shooting at our guys. The Taliban and al-Qaeda are glorified dirt farmers, and there are a few thousand of them and about three quarters of a million of us. The USA can scorch earth both of them at the same time. Fourleaf and the Tropic Thunder platoon could handle this mission if they had real bullets this time and shot first and asked questions later. Or we could re-landscape the terrorist infested mountains with a few hundred MOAB´s. Either way.
The $2.6 billion that The Dirtbag Four shanghaied from the DoD budget should be enough money to finance wholesale bad guy slaughter by itself. If you played Call Of Duty 4 as much as I do were as militarily qualified as I am, you would know these things. And more!
As support in the polls wanes, it´s harder to get backing for controversial policies. Obama was imitating those that dissent with what the White House knows is best, by using an example of healthy vegetables that a parent has to force on their immature and naive children.
"I don´t wanna eat it. I don´t like it. It tastes bad. I don´t want it," said in...best nasal whine.
"We don´t want to hear the whining. We want you to eat it. Just eat it." - Obama USA Today
Oh, wait. My bad. You thought BARACK Obama said that?
Yeah, apparently that was a quote from First Lady and proponent of organically grown, farm fresh, massively overpriced arugula, making a joke about kids not eating vegetables at the healthy kids fair she held at the center of the universe White House. Obama(s) knows best. That first sentence in this posting is just a general observation, it has nothing to do with vegetables, or the quote in USA Today.
Some people think I´m kind of awesome when I manipulate the context of quotes and trick my ungrateful, never click on any ads loving fans. I´m becoming more like the mainstream media with every posting. And you love it.
Before I begin I´d like to point out that yes, that is a ankle bracelet in the photo above and yes, that kind of thing normally turns me on.
I apologize for momentarily straying from my professional and strict focus on politics, but I had a thang for Lindsay Lohan before she changed her diet to an exclusive regiment of Marlboro red´s, cocaine, semen and morning-after-pills. Besides, she and Obama have history, so indulge me some T&A.
Lindsay is concerned that her dad is going to kidnap her.
“If I can’t get a conservatorship, then I’m going to take her to an undisclosed location and get her straight,” Michael Lohan told X17Online. “But I know I’m going to get charged with kidnapping.” - MSNBC
Yeah Michael, that would be kidnapping. But maybe it´s cool, because during the two years you spent in prison for substance abuse, you became a priest. Pehaps another stint in rehab would work for Lindsey better than it did last time when half the staff (male and female) qualified for STD clinical trials after she checked out. Some of us actually want to help Lindsay solve all her problems. By switching out her Valtrex with a little hemlock.
The Obama Administration says federal agents will no longer bust marijuana stores in states where anyone can pretend to have medical conditions enable the sale, possession and use of weed.
"Federal drug agents won´t pursue pot-smoking patients or their sanctioned suppliers in states that allow medical marijuana, under new legal guidelines to be issued Monday by the Obama administration.
Two Justice Department officials described the new policy to The Associated Press, saying prosecutors will be told it is not a good use of their time to arrest people who use or provide medical marijuana in strict compliance with state law." - AP
Some analysts expect an economic stimulus from the announcement. Sales of Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon, glow in the dark posters of unicorns, Cheetos and Wii game consoles are being monitored for an anticipated spike.
Those with more sophisticated minds (cocaine users) are watching the legal ramifications of this policy. Like, what will happen a few days from now when the next NBA star that suffers from "acute anxiety" gets photographed blowing half a gram of Purple Barack Kush through a shotgun in the front seat of their Escalade, and it isn´t legal to suspend them? High times ya´ll.
Hillary Clinton is really showing the Ruskies who has the biggest dick in her meetings to reduce nuclear arms. Perhaps she is doing a fantastic job at getting the Russians to agree to sell whatever warheads they can on the black market reduce their inventory of nukes, but maybe next time she should be brave and mention that everyone would appreciate it if Russia doesn´t fire off whatever nukes they have left.
In an interview, a Moscow official announced that they reserve the right to launch a preemptive nuke attack against...ah hell, just read it below.
A top Russian security official says Moscow reserves the right to conduct pre-emptive nuclear strikes to safeguard the country against aggression...
The proposed doctrine would allow for the use of nuclear weapons "to repel an aggression with the use of conventional weapons not only in a large-scale but also in a regional and even local war," Patrushev was quoted as saying. He said a government analysis of the threat of conflict in the world showed "a shift from large-scale conflicts to local wars and armed conflicts." - Breitbart
At this time I would like to congratulate Nobel PEACE Prize Winner Barack Obama for farting on the European Missile Shield, granting Russia the driver´s seat on dealing with Iran and letting Israel swing in the wind. The next logical move is for him to take away your guns and Fedex your house keys to the U.N. for safekeeping.
Cuba has come to the obvious realization that in time of recession, its better to be less socialist and trim government spending.
As the Cuban government struggles through a deep recession, its leaders have begun picking away at socialism in order to save it.
"Nobody, no individual nor country, can indefinitely spend more than she or he earns. Two plus two always adds up to four, never five," he said. "Within the conditions of our imperfect socialism, due to our own shortcomings, two plus two often adds up to three." - Raul Castro McClatchy
This is baffling to me because it makes so much sense. Generally when capitalism fails you get more socialism, and when socialism fails you get even more socialism.
The only prediction I can make is that all the Hollywood idiots and liberal politicians are going to follow Castro´s lead in an attempt to fix their completely idiotic spending spree soon and then claim credit for the idea of less government intervention.
Otherwise, a communist dictator just demonstrated more conservative principles than Barack Obama. Good times.
In the article below, the Nobel chairman states that Obama was a strong selection for the Peace prize for what he has done (in the few days that he was president before the nomination deadline).
"We simply disagree that he has done nothing," committee chairman Thorbjoern Jagland told the AP on Tuesday. "He got the prize for what he has done." - Nobel Committee MSNBC
I read the article a few times, and while I appreciate that the Nobelers disagree with the fact argument that Obama has done nothing worthy of the prize, they don´t seem to mention what it is specifically that he HAS done. They just argue the argument.
I assume they are still really busy making the list of Obama accomplishments. So far they have "not being George Bush, not farting out loud during key foreign relation meetings and being a super awesome black guy AND white guy".
Lawyers can´t participate in this reading comprehension test, because you donut punchers can say idiotic stuff like the Nobelers with sincerity. All others, please begin the listing of world class accomplishments mentioned by the Nobel Committee.
One of the benefits of having to write this dribble every damn day is that sometimes I learn new things. Today I learned that prostitution is legal in Costa Rica and there is a poon-tang price war underway as the global recession is blamed for an increased supply of hookers there.
"not everyone is happy about the increased competition, which, along with a contracting economy, has required some prostitutes to lower their prices by as much as 40 to 50 percent." - Huffington Post
Thank you for meddling with the economy Obama and Bush. I take back all those times I called you retarded douchebags. I´m guessing that the same phenomenon of competitive capitalistic copulation is occurring in other points of paradise besides Costa Rica. Like, you know, Detroit.
A note to anyone in the Dirtbag Mob that has access to a private jet that can pick me up in Brazil and make a "lay over" in Costa Rica...you fly, I buy. The first round of Honduras strange is on me.
Last week there was a guy in our local ex-pat pub that subtly accused my roommate of lying. My roommate threatened to strangle him unless he took-it-backsies. I defused the situation and restored peace to our table. And when I say "defused the situation", I mean I sat motionless with bulging eyes, waiting for the guy to get beat down like a narc at a biker rally. So obviously it came as a shock when the Nobel committee called to inform me that I had been passed over for the Peace Prize.
They told me (in confidence, shhhh!) that the criteria for the prize isn´t about deeds so much as selecting a winner that guarantees them the maximum publicity. And since the prize is funded out of guilt by the fortune that Nobel amassed for inventing Dynamite, it also helps if the winner is conducting global warfare and blowing lots of shit up.
The Vatican has yet to counter the Nobel Prize by announcing the anointment of Barack Obama to sainthood. We are standing by.
Surgeon General & Czar of Debt Barack Obama is formally bringing Hollywood onto the team to push through his vision for healthcare reform.
"In addition to Dawson and Will.I.Am, the panel of judges being announced by Organizing for America Wednesday consists of actors John Cho, Dule Hill, Brandon Routh, Kate Walsh and Olivia Wilde, and "Family Guy" creator Seth MacFarlane." - Breitbart
Ok, Seth McFarlane is awesome and I´ll believe anything he says because he has a Gulfstream V that he loads up with consentual women and I don´t. Apparently the other celebrities on the roster are either too cool for me to recognize, or they have absolutely no involvement in the creation of cartoons.
Maybe some of the actors have made appearances on Grey´s Anatomy or House, I don´t know. As for the others, they likely have more presidential qualifications. They can memorize writer´s words and read prompters. At least they spend their own money and not mine. I think?
After a night of grimacing and sweating in various sexual positions (that are able to accommodate a three feet height difference) with Carla "I prefer polygamy" Bruni, French President Sarkozy jiggled his fat jogged through the streets of NY while grimacing and sweating.
"After working up a sweat in a grey T-shirt yesterday, Sarko opted for a black version today - perhaps to hide the wet patches." - Daily Mail
Perhaps feeling pressure that Canada might exert its mighty influence twice in the same day, President Obama announced plans to surrender America´s position as sole superpower.
"No world order that elevates one nation or group of people over another will succeed." - Obama Associated Press
To his credit, Barack may have just been shaken after surviving a melee attack by Turkish delegates and their Prime Minister earlier in the day outside the Sheraton.
"The Turkish press reported that Turk Prime Minister Erdogan may have even grabbed a U.S. security agent to stop him from throwing a punch." - Washington Times
This post was more work than it was worth, so hopefully tomorrow a Vatican official will do something involving Thai hookers, plastic bags and a half pound of imported peppers so I can go back to a 30 minute work-day.
Barack is meddling. He has reportedly insisted like a banana republic dictator asked that David Paterson, who became governor of New York after the last one got busted for laying pipe with big nosed hookers, not run for a term as Governor of New York.
"the Obama administration is so worried that his fellow Democrat Paterson’s unpopularity will drag down New York’s Democratic members of Congress and the Democrat-controlled state legislature in the November 2010 election that the president asked him to withdraw from the race. - Reuters
What you COULD do Mr. Obama, is let democracy play its course, allow all candidates interested in running for office to pursue their goal, and give the voters a choice that isn´t artificially effected by your personal agenda.
Or you could maintain your course and see if you can get your approval rating into single digits. Your call.
So when Joe Wilson said Obama was lying about the health care plan not paying for illegal immigrants he may have been wrong. It turns out that Obama is considering health care as an excuse for legalizing ALL illegals! Um, thats one way to do it Barry.
"Mr. Obama said legalizing illegal immigrants is a way to take the sting out of the entire issue" - Washington Times
I don´t even know what to say about this, I´ll leave it to the Dirtbag Mob to fill in the rest of this one.
Before you (yeah you) get all high and mighty about the magical benefits of bug infested organic food, consider the fact that its all bullshit as this study, this study and this other study shows.
In any case, this story about Michelle Obama is filed under the liberal category "good intentions are more important than the unintended consequences that result".
"The first lady had encouraged Freshfarm Markets, the group that runs popular farmers markets in Dupont Circle and elsewhere, to set up near the White House, and she helped get the approvals to shut down Vermont Avenue during rush hour on Thursdays. But the result was quite the opposite of a quaint farmers market. Considering all the logistics, each tomato she purchased had a carbon footprint of several tons." - Washington Post
Oh, well done Michelle. Not only are you accelerating global warming while grossly overpaying for your free range bison steak, you´re also feeding your children insects with their salad. Does your husband think through the ramifications of his decisions this well too?
I know. I´m racist.
P.S. Michelle you didn´t get dat ass by eating nothing but Tuscan Kale, so stop trippin.
ACORN, the community organization that helps low to moderate income families get fraudulent loans affordable housing, dead people registered as voters and was hired by Barack Obama for $800,000 to "Get out and buy the vote" has branched out into management consulting for pimps.
"Two more ACORN officials were fired Friday after a second video surfaced showing staffers in the Washington DC office offering to help a man and woman posing as a pimp and prostitute acquire illegal home loans that would help them set up a brothel.
The firings came less than 24 hours after another pair of ACORN officials from the Baltimore office were canned for instructing the "pimp" and "prostitute" how to falsify tax forms and seek illegal benefits for 13 "very young" girls from El Salvador that pair said they wanted to import to work as child prostitutes." - Fox News
I´m sure these are isolated incidences where the employees went outside their day to day duties. The fact that it happened twice in less than a week in two separate ACORN offices is just a coincidence.
Personally I´m never surprised when someone asks for my professional opinion on the accounting and tax implications of importing Salvadorian child prostitutes. The first time I had to ask my boss for help, but I´m good now.
If you don´t want your kids to watch President Obama in class here´s what you do:
1. Enroll them into a private school where they can be sheltered from anything interesting, social or sexual. Relax babe, they´ll turn out like me.
2. Since you don´t want to pay double for public school AND private school, just go ahead and stop paying the property taxes on your house. You are now beating the system.
3. Wait for your personal property to be confiscated for the common good. You are no longer beating the system, but you do qualify for the free handouts Obama mentioned in that speech your kids missed.
Alternatively, you could count on the fact that your kid doesn´t give a fat poop about what happens in school and won´t remember anything about what the black dude on t.v. said anyways.
Before you (yeah you) get all high and mighty about the magical benefits of organic food, consider the fact that its all bullshit as this study, this study and this other study shows.
In any case, this story about Michelle Obama is filed under the liberal category "good intentions are more important than the unintended consequences that result".
The first lady had encouraged Freshfarm Markets, the group that runs popular farmers markets in Dupont Circle and elsewhere, to set up near the White House, and she helped get the approvals to shut down Vermont Avenue during rush hour on Thursdays. But the result was quite the opposite of a quaint farmers market. Considering all the logistics, each tomato she purchased had a carbon footprint of several tons. - Washington Post
Oh, well done Michelle. Not only are you accelerating global warming while grossly overpaying for your free range bison steak, you´re also feeding your children insects with their salad. Does your husband think through the ramifications of his decisions this well too?
I know. I´m racist.
P.S. Michelle you didn´t get dat ass by eating nothing but Tuscan Kale so stop trippin.
Madoff rose to the pinnacle of wealth redistribution eeee-vile-ness by bilking old ladies out of the money their husbands left them and stimulating the economy via private jets and inept management of charitable funds. By this measurement he is a liberal role model.
Whenever I watch bad guy movies like Wall Street or Scarface I root for the villain. Every one of those movies has a point where its best to turn off the show and make up your own ending where the bad guy prevails. I´d turn off the Madoff story right before he turns himself in to the feds (Idiot!).
If Bernie was a villain in a 007 movie he would have a crew of latinos spring him from the jail bound bus, throw him into the ocean where a super secret submarine would be waiting to hustle him off to Aruba. Unfortunately, 71 year old Jewish dudes don´t do anything cool like that.
So Obama is doing a fluff interview, a fly lands on him, and he crushes it like Kwai Chang Caine. Enter PETA.
"We support compassion even for the most curious, smallest and least sympathetic animals," PETA spokesman Bruce Friedrich said Wednesday. "We believe that people, where they can be compassionate, should be, for all animals." - PETA Spokesmoron Bruce Friedrich
Editorial note: What is PETA´s position on malarial mosquitos? Or killer bees swarming in day care centers?
"Still, ´swatting a fly on TV indicates he´s not perfect,´ Friedrich said, ´and we´re happy to say that we wish he hadn´t.´"
Hey Bruce, people are animals too. When us animals are annoyed by other animals (even flies) we attack. You protect innate animal instinct, so protect homo sapiens´ too. I´m so upset...I´m going to be a real handful at tonight´s animal dress up orgy.
El Rushbo has lost more than 50 pounds in two months. That´s pretty normal if you are supplementing your Omaha Steaks and second and sometimes third hand smoke from premium cigars with amphetamines. Don´t get me wrong, the guy is a genius, like Newt Gingrich and Dick Morris. The other two lard buckets that wish they had the adonis like body of a chain smoker Barack Obama.
