Hitler Youth Member Pope Benedict XVI is listening to the heretics scientists and has called out to mankind to do what he and God can´t seem to do on their own.
"Sad to say, it is all too evident that large numbers of people in different countries and areas of our planet are experiencing increased hardship because of the negligence or refusal of many others to exercise responsible stewardship over the environment," he said. - Reuters
Hey Pope-dude, I´ll stop adding to my awesome CFC styrofoam cup Egyptian pyramid replica as soon as you loosen up on that birth control policy. I´m told that population control is the key to environmental stewardship. Or you could just ask God to fix the planet and help the people experiencing increased hardships with all your cash. Whichever´s easier for you.
I assumed Tiger Woods´ legal team could convince a judge that Adolph Hitler was just the front man for some Jew from Nazareth with a god complex. Maybe they aren´t as think as they smart they are.
"US Weekly has reported the couple has a prenuptial agreement worth $300 million, which would make this the most expensive celebrity divorce in history. Right now, Michael Jordan holds that record when his wife, Juanita, received an estimated $150 million settlement." - CBS
Here is how my conversation, as acting legal counsel, would have gone with Tiger following his 2003 engagement.
Tiger: "I´m getting married."
Dirtbag LLC: "That´s stupid."
Tiger: "But there are only 3 billion other women in the world willing to ride my private jet. I can´t pass this up."
Dirtbag LLC: "Whatever dumb ass, you´ll need a prenup."
Tiger: "..."
Dirtbag LLC: "You know, so she agrees on the amount she´ll steal for all her "hard work" when you fuck up."
Tiger: "I´m not good with math that doesn´t involve yardage. How much? Everything?"
Dirtbag LLC: "My standard formula for determining prenup value is this: take the market price for a hit man and add 10%. Let´s call it $250. She´s happy she doesn´t get dead, and you pay less than $100 for each incident of marital sex that you actually liked. Grab lunch?"
I know a LOT of religious people read the dirtbagchronicles.com. You are going to be momentarily offended by me. Get past it and listen.
If I was a Muslim I wouldn´t trust Christians any more than Christians trust Muslims. That´s because any organized religion that embraces an exclusive path to an afterlife is always dangerous to every other religion.
Fort Hood killer Maj. Nidal Malik Hasan shouted ´Allahu Akbar´ before mowing down unsuspecting soldiers, and that makes him no more, or less, of a total fucking dirtbag. It just builds on the stereotype that Muslims don´t like non-Muslims and are eager to supplement their march to heaven with staggering violence. So I don´t like them now. I´m the kind of guy that doesn´t feel bad about projecting the actions of a few onto their entire group. I´m just lucky in that regard.
"Soldiers who witnessed the rampage reported that the gunman shouted "Allahu Akbar!" — an Arabic phrase for "God is great!" — before opening fire, said Lt. Gen. Robert Cone, the base commander." - AP
Marketing a religion is hard work. You have to convince millions of rubes that an all powerful, yet totally absent, God needs you (yes you!) to contribute money and commit senseless acts to further his cause. Then you need the public relations horsepower to spin the actions of a shit head like Hasan into a recruiting tool. Christians can´t take the moral high ground on this either, your religion is based on a horribly fucked up history of violence and persecution.
When Christians work on converting me (it happens almost as often as gays try to convert me) the conversation usually goes like this:
"God´s love for you is infinity and beyond. His is the way of pure peace." - Them
"More people have been killed in the name of [insert the name of their God here] than by Hitler." - Me
"I feel sorry for you. God hates you, and you will burn in hell for infinity and beyond." - Them
In God We Trust. And I´m only taking half doses of my medicine lately.
As the media fuels swine flu fear with reports that there is a shortage of vaccines, a small number of political prisoners in Cuba enjoy the opportunity of inoculation:
"Officials announced on October 30th that H1N1 vaccinations will be made available to detainees at Guantanamo Bay.
This news comes as President Obama has declared the swine flu outbreak a national emergency and as reports of H1N1 vaccine shortages are being documented." - Examiner
Let´s do this: We shouldn´t assume that the H1N1 vaccine will kill the Gitmo prisoners like Louis Farrakhan says it will. So we wait until there is a public gun fair in Tel Aviv. We outfit the Gitmo detainees in "Hitler Is My Homie" robes, and drop them off near whichever ammo counter is offering the biggest discount (everyone knows Jews love a bargain). Open season.
